Triggering - What It Is, Isn't, and Why It Isn't A Bad Thing

(EDIT: Fixed autocorrect of psychologist to psychiatrist... It was meant to be psychologist. Stupid iPad.)

Good day to you lovely person, whomever and wherever you are! First and foremost, allow me to open by stating that I am a mostly-recovered PTSD sufferer (I still occasionally have flashback-nightmares, but this is normal) and suffer from anxiety, bipolar affective disorder and depression (Yes, it is possible to have depression while also being bipolar.) All of these conditions have been diagnosed by doctors and psychologists, the latter of which aren't looking to just throw pills at me as psychologists cannot prescribe prescription medications.

That being said, it's time to discuss the over abundance of the usage of the word "trigger." Anymore, people are using it to describe any negative emotion, emotional discomfort (or physical discomfort brought on by emotional discomfort), etc. That is not what triggering is. At all. Triggering is, specifically, when a symptom of a diagnosed mental illness is provoked by specific subject matter. Got that down? Good! Now, let's move on to emotional discomfort in general - we'll get back to triggering later - and other negativities and why they aren't bad things.

When you experience negative emotion and emotional discomfort, sure, it's unpleasant and everyone would prefer to avoid it, but realistically, that isn't possible - and it isn't healthy. You need to experience negative emotion to have a healthy emotional balance and to grow emotionally and as an individual. People born with disabilities and mental illnesses that stunt their emotional spectrum often have extreme difficulty fitting into society due to this lack of growth as a person; they can't relate and empathize as well with others. Experiencing negative emotion can also be cathartic - have you ever watched a movie that made you cry your eyes out, and found yourself feeling better later on than you had in days or even weeks? It hits an emotional release valve and allows you to feel and express emotions that you had been keeping closed off.

Now, on to triggers, and why they aren't bad. The primary healing factor in recovering from my PTSD was... Exposing myself to triggers. In fact, that is the primary course of non-medication therapy. Exposure to triggers, be it with anxiety or PTSD, is like drawing venom from a wound. Or, for another analogy, like hitting the same spot over and over until it eventually goes numb. Yes, it's painful, and it sucks, and it's the hardest thing you're going to do. But avoiding triggers is literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health unless otherwise specified by your mental health professional!! There was a time where looking at a stranger much less touching them would have my anxiety so incredibly triggered I wouldn't be able to catch my breath from how hard my heart was racing, and I would be dizzy from not only the loss of oxygen but from the shift in blood pressure. Now? The past two weeks in a row I've gotten my nails done - basically spending about an hour holding hands with someone I've never looked at before much less met, talking with them and joking around, laughing, etc. Trigger exposure has done that for my anxiety. I still have anxiety attacks from time to time, but typically they have to do with my health or with conflict going on around me.

More and more evidence is flooding into the mental health community that trigger exposure is highly beneficial in recovery from PTSD and treatment of anxiety with, of course, consultation with your mental health provider. Avoiding triggers isn't the way to go, it's the opposite of trying to help yourself, it's hiding from the problem, it's in fact letting your mental illness control you, and avoiding true recovery/treatment and help. It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop telling the world to change because you have a problem when in reality you're telling the world to change because a problem has you. Take control of the problem. You have the strength, you have the ability, and you have the tools to do it. So do it.

Depression: The Roller Coaster Aspect

A lot of people without depression don't realize that for the majority of us, there's an almost bi-polar aspect to it. No, I'm not saying that it IS bi-polar, or that those with depression are bi-polar, nor am I in any way trivializing or marginalizing bi-polar disorder. I was actually misdiagnosed with bi-polar disorder when a combination of birth control pills and undiagnosed/untreated hypothyroidism had my moods swinging so fast not even I could keep up. (I was very nearly committed at one point during an emotional extreme.)

What I mean by this, is how at one moment, you can be just fine, having a good day, you're happy, laughing, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, you can hear Louis Armstrong singing in the background. That kind of a good day, you know? Then for no reason, and completely out of the blue, all of that disappears, and your mood goes downhill so fast you'd think it was an avalanche.

 For me, it feels like there's something alive inside of my chest, clawing and chewing away at every good feeling until it leaves an empty hole there. It isn't numb, at least not all the time - there are moments of apathy. But it's just...a very heavy emptiness. Nothing is interesting, nothing is fun, no matter how much it normally is. Sometimes I cry, most times I don't, because it's really not a feeling that, in and of itself, is inherently sad. It's just... a nothing that weighs as much as an elephant, sitting right there in the middle of my chest, and it more often than not evokes this feeling of intense frustration and anger that tends to cause me to lash out at those around me for the stupidest things, though for the most part I've learned how to control that, and my family has learned that, when I'm going through this sort of mental problem, to keep their heads down so to speak.

Then, just as quickly, that low can disappear for the same non-reason as it appeared and it's right back to Louis Armstrong again. Sometimes it can disappear after just a few minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days, or weeks...months.

The thing is, depression doesn't just present as sadness. It can present as anger, as frustration, as intense apathy, as ennui... there's so many faces that depression wears, and it can change its face so much and so fast, half the time I'm tempted to call it Jaquen H'ghar.

I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms over the years to help deal with these lows. I do something productive, whether it's knitting or sewing, or I clean if I'm physically up to it. If I'm having a really good day, physically, I work out or do something labor intensive. Today, I went out for about two hours and raked leaves. I got about 3/4 of our yard done. I know that doesn't sound like a lot for two hours work, but we live on nearly a half acre, and we have nine oak trees and a birch, as well as a maple in the side yard that often blows leaves into our front yard. Lots. Of. Leaves. I'll eat chocolate and binge-watch my favorite TV shows (usually Supernatural; watching "my boys" battle literal demons and monsters, and their own figurative demons, helps me with my own). But sometimes, those coping mechanisms just don't cut it.

Today has been one of those days. Raking leaves really did help for a couple of hours... but then I started the slide downhill again. Chocolate and Supernatural didn't help, so now I'm watching Doctor Who. I can't really knit, as I'm making myself a scarf, but I'm almost out of one of the yarns I'm using, and I need to get more before I can really do much more work on it. So as it stands, I'm sitting here with that monster clawing at the inside of my chest again and there's nothing that I can do to fend it off.

I could try working out, but after working so hard outside, I'll likely in a fair bit more pain than my normal level tomorrow, any more physical stress and I risk triggering a Fibro Flare that'll last weeks if not months, and right now is not a good time for me to be out of commission. My family needs me physically capable of picking up slack for various reasons, and I can't - no. I WON'T let them down, no matter what.

So, that being the case, I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do to help pull myself out of this slump, and it seems all I can do is just wait for it to pass. I hope to God it does so soon. I'm fairly certain my antidepressants need increased, and I'll be making an appointment with my doctor or his NP as soon as I can to see to that. I should also, or perhaps, first, get my thyroid levels checked; low thyroid hormones can trigger worsening depression, too.

So, if anyone reading this has depression and experiences the same thing I'm going through... you aren't alone in this. I go through it, and so do many others. We're in this together, even if we're thousands of miles apart. We're fighting this same giant beast that wants to destroy us. I'll always keep fighting, and I have no intentions of letting my story end with 'I gave up.' Some days that's harder than others, but I'm so incredibly fortunate to have the love and support of my wonderful and amazing family and friends behind me. I took them for granted for a long time, but eight months without them made me realize just how lucky I was to have them, and have them so close. I'll never take for granted having them right here with me, fighting the same fight I am - the fight against the pain, the fight against the inner monsters, and the fight against anyone who dare say our pain, be it mental or physical, isn't real, because it damn sure is.

The Woes of Medication Schedules and Sleep Disorders

I have to wonder if people that don't have conditions that cause sleep disorders, people without chronic illness, doctors, pharmacists, and those who develop medications realize how difficult it is to try to take your medication as directed when your sleep schedule is completely random. For instance; I take my 'AM medications' - including my thyroid medication and a 12 hour BP medication- at 9 in the morning, and have an alarm set for this purpose. I take my 'bedtime' medications at 9 at night - which includes another BP pill and a medication said to 'take at bedtime.'

Now, the thyroid medication is supposed to be taken on an empty stomach, and the 'bedtime' medication I believe is meant to help me get to sleep as well as its intended purpose of alleviating nerve pain. Fantastic.

But the problem is, sometimes I'm just getting to sleep at 9 AM, and just waking up, or having recently woken up, at 9 PM. If I were to take the thyroid pill on an empty stomach in that case, I'd have to go 8 waking hours (as that's generally the recommended time for an 'empty stomach') without a bite of food, and I'm hypoglycemic. Not happening. Then for the bedtime medication, it makes me groggy for several hours after I take it, regardless of caffeine intake.

This makes it so ridiculously frustrating for me. I know the thyroid medication is most effective on an empty stomach but I can't go that long without food, and even though the bedtime medication does make me groggy, I can't get back to sleep - God knows I wish I could.

Sometimes I honestly will lie in bed trying to sleep for 5-6 hours, crying half of the time out of frustration. 'Why can't I just be at least remotely normal?' I'll ask myself, and I honestly have no good answer other than 'You lost the genetic lottery.'

My schedule is so ridiculously erratic. Some nights/days, I'm lucky if I manage 4 hours of sleep after a 24+ hour stretch of being awake, only to repeat the same span of time or longer of being awake. Typically at that point when I can sleep, I'll sleep anywhere from 9 to 16 hours, only to then be awake another 24-48, and sleep 6. You get the picture.

It isn't that I'm not actively trying to sleep during those long stints. It isn't that I haven't tried taking things to help me sleep; I've tried Melatonin, Valerian, sometimes both at once on top of my bedtime medications, which while it does make me ridiculously groggy like I'm in a lucid dream, I can never actually sleep. It's like my brain just makes up its mind to hop around like a rabbit on speed no matter what I throw at it, and it's dragging me along for the ride, the sleep deprivation and exhaustion causing my Fibromyalgia and numerous other conditions to worsen in response, so not only am I bordering on catatonic half of the time, I'm in fairly severe pain on top of it.

I don't know how many of you reading this - if any of you - can relate, but I hope someone that reads this does, so that you know you aren't alone. Sometimes that's the hardest part; that feeling of isolation and loneliness that you're the only one dealing with something. I'm here to say that you aren't, and I hope by sharing my own struggles here, that I've helped you, even a tiny bit. Feel free to share your stories with me in the comments on any of my posts; I'd love to hear them.