Anorexia is a disease that many - if not most - people have heard of. Unfortunately, very few people that have heard of it truly understand it. They seem to think it's something that easily goes away, or it's silly little girls who just want to be pretty and thin. The truth of it would shock them.
I first developed anorexia when I was 14. I had put on quite a bit of weight due to an increase in physical pain causing a decrease of physical activity - And an increase in emotional eating. I was, to put it bluntly, fat for my age. I wasn't obese, but I was well outside of a healthy weight.
After a visit to an orthopedist brought about the discovery of mild arthritis in my spine, as well as disparaging remarks about my weight, I was sent to physical therapy. The therapist, we'll call her Sharon, was thorough and efficient as far as therapy goes, but she made constant, snide remarks about my being a "couch potato" and how fat I was. I started eating less until I was barely eating anything at all - And that was only because dinner was a family affair and I couldn't get away with missing it or eating nothing.
I lost weight fairly steadily after that. I inevitably shrank down to 95 lbs at 5'7 and maintained that weight until my thyroid crapped out in my early 20s. But even at that meager weight, even though I was told my ribs could easily be counted, when I looked at myself, whether down or in a mirror, I saw that same fat girl I used to be.
I still do.
I've maintained a healthy weight for the better part of a decade now, hovering between 128 and 135. But in the past couple of months, owing to an increased appetite from continual birth control, I'm up to around 143 lbs. It's the heaviest I've been since I was put on my thyroid medication, and the truth is, I'm terrified. Not at the weight gain itself exactly. But because my brain is already rebelling. That fat girl I see is getting progressively fatter even though I know, logically, she isn't what I really look like. Already it's a struggle to make myself eat when I feel hungry rather than trying to starve off the weight I've gained.
This isn't because I feel like being skinny is prettier. This is because of the monster that has made its home in my brain that never goes away, and it's gotten stronger with the extra pounds. I have to fight to keep it at bay, to eat every bite of the fuel I know my body needs to stay strong and healthy.
Anorexia is a monster. It's a horrific disease that will try to control every second of your life. And it doesn't give a damn if you're male or female. Yes, it does effect more women than men, but men get eating disorders, too, and gents, I see you. I feel your struggle and your pain. You aren't alone.
Anorexia can be permanently beaten by some. But for many of us, it's a lifelong struggle. It has been for me for the past 16, almost 17 years. I don't know how I'll beat it, if I ever will. I don't know how many battles I'll win and how many I'll lose. But so far, I've won more than I've lost, and I'm proud of that fact.
I'll keep fighting every day, because I know the second I stop fighting, it's going to win. I can't let that happen. 97 pounds was as much of a victory as it gets; it's never going to put me in a hospital. And it will never put me in the ground.
We've got this, my fellow anorexics. We can beat this. Our health, our lives are at stake.
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Thursday, June 23, 2016
The Importance of Decompressing
I know lately my blog has been pretty ranty, and rightly so, really, but right now I want to change things up just a bit. This is a post that's so, so very important, not just for people with chronic illness or mental illness, but for everyone. That's right, everyone. Healthy people, disabled people, people with mental illness, without mental illness, whatever. Everyone can benefit from this post, and honestly, if you found it helpful at all by the end, or agree that it's important, I heavily urge you to share it - not for my benefit or popularity or anything narcissistic like that, but to help other people.
Everything in the world right now is so insanely stressful. It really is. Especially for people who watch the news on the television (I don't; more on that in a bit) or constant surf news websites and/or read newspapers. It seems that the news is 0.01% good news and 99.99% bad news. It's all murder, mayhem, and violence. It's utter carnage. Everywhere. I had to stop watching because it would make me so depressed that I could barely function; it made me believe that there was literally nothing good left in the world, and that the world was going to hell in a hand basket. While to an extent it is, there is still so much good out there, there truly is, but that isn't what the media reports because they would rather stir up the fear, the animosity, etc. At any rate, life is so full of stress for everyone, between the state of the world, politics, work (if you do), relationships (if you're in one), family life (if you have one), well, you get the idea. Then you have the commute to and from work for those that work, which in and of itself is full of its own stresses, and for those who work at home (whether it's a work from home job or being a housewife/househusband) the stress is there constantly, no matter what, and believe me, being a housewife is stressful even if you don't have children. Stress will bog you down and drag you down and make you so irritable and tightly wound that it begins to overflow into everything you do and say without you even realizing it!
Then you have the added stressors of tragic events like the Orlando shooting, or political uphevals like the EU Referendum, what have you, that add further emotional and mental stress into our lives even if we aren't directly involved. While I myself lost two friends in the Orlando shooting, many people were affected by it who knew no one involved simply out of empathy, and as for the EU Referendum, those of us in other countries know what sort of repercussions votes like that can have, both politically and economically, and we thus empathize with the citizens of the U.K. And worry for their future regardless of the outcome of the vote.
Then you can tack on personal added stressors of unforeseen events like car accidents, storm damage to one's vehicle or home, flooding damage, personal injuries, a death in the family, a break up with a significant other... You get the idea here as well. Stress. Is. Everywhere!!!!!
So, what do we do when we want to relax? Well, if you're like the majority of the population these days, you pop onto the computer and get on, say, Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, whatever. Bad. Idea. Very bad idea. The second you get on any of these, you're flooded with more stressors. Political posts, ideological posts, tragedy posts, stress pretty much starts stabbing you in the eyes, but because you tell yourself it's relaxing time, you trick yourself into thinking you're relaxing when in reality, you're just adding on more stress! Think about it, how often do you get into a debate or argument with someone on the Internet; do you really think that's relaxing? How often do you see a post or meme that irritates or angers you? A story that makes you sad or otherwise upset? This is all added stress! All of it!
While it is important to be up to date with the goings on of the world, it's equally as important to take care of yourself; stress levels today are at record highs and in fact the daily stress of the average high school student, never mind adult, would have had them committed to a psych ward in the 1950s. No joke. Is it any real wonder why so many people are suffering from stress-related depression and anxiety and why so many people are on medications to treat it?
But the truth is... People suffering from stress-induced mental problems don't actually need the medications, they just need to learn how to eliminate stress from their life. I know, I can hear you doing that sarcastic scoff laugh right through my ipad. I've done the same many times when I've read 'eliminate stress' to help reduce chronic pain and Fibro flares. But then I started learning how to eliminate unnecessary stress and holy cow did it work wonders not only for my physical well being but for my mental state as well. How did I do it? Well, let me give you a handy list of some tips and ideas for you to get off the ground with.
Unplug - Stay away from social networking and news websites and skip watching the news on TV. Instead, put on some relaxing music and read a book, watch a favorite movie or TV show, or play a video game.
Unwind - Try a good bath or shower, not just for getting clean but to relax for a while. Give yourself a break to just unwind and decompress after your stressful day.
Decompress - Set aside 30 minutes to an hour of quite time just for yourself, by yourself. What you do during this time, whether you read, listen to soothing music, enjoy a nice cup of tea, or whatever, is up to you, but this is your time.
Indulge - Have a healthy sweet treat; I recommend dark chocolate covered berries or nuts! The endorphin boost is great and there are a lot of benefits to dark chocolate, but don't overdo it - your waistline won't thank you! If sweets aren't your thing, go for whatever your favorite comfort food is, but don't binge; just have a small amount to get that nice 'aaahhh' feeling.
Exercise - Cardio especially is great for this, but any form of exercise provides endorphins and helps relieve stress. Some varieties of yoga are great for relaxing, as well, without being too hard on beginners or people with joint or flexibility issues! Also, a nice evening walk (weather permitting) can be quite relaxing after a stressful day, especially if you can make it to a park or a forest walking trail and spend the time in nature.
Dance it out - One person dance parties are fantastic! Put on your favorite tunes and dance around like a goof ball! It may seem and sound silly, and really, it is, but being silly for the sake of being silly is not only fun, the exercise boosts your endorphins, helps eliminate stress, and the combination of the fun and your favorite music helps to change your mindset. If you have friends about that you can dance it out with, the more the merrier!
Social time - Socialize with people you can relax around, but avoid people who stress you out when you need to decompress.
Hopefully these tips will help, because honestly, decompressing is so important, and stress is getting out of control in society. So, give them a shot, and feel free to let me know if they help and how they work for you!
Everything in the world right now is so insanely stressful. It really is. Especially for people who watch the news on the television (I don't; more on that in a bit) or constant surf news websites and/or read newspapers. It seems that the news is 0.01% good news and 99.99% bad news. It's all murder, mayhem, and violence. It's utter carnage. Everywhere. I had to stop watching because it would make me so depressed that I could barely function; it made me believe that there was literally nothing good left in the world, and that the world was going to hell in a hand basket. While to an extent it is, there is still so much good out there, there truly is, but that isn't what the media reports because they would rather stir up the fear, the animosity, etc. At any rate, life is so full of stress for everyone, between the state of the world, politics, work (if you do), relationships (if you're in one), family life (if you have one), well, you get the idea. Then you have the commute to and from work for those that work, which in and of itself is full of its own stresses, and for those who work at home (whether it's a work from home job or being a housewife/househusband) the stress is there constantly, no matter what, and believe me, being a housewife is stressful even if you don't have children. Stress will bog you down and drag you down and make you so irritable and tightly wound that it begins to overflow into everything you do and say without you even realizing it!
Then you have the added stressors of tragic events like the Orlando shooting, or political uphevals like the EU Referendum, what have you, that add further emotional and mental stress into our lives even if we aren't directly involved. While I myself lost two friends in the Orlando shooting, many people were affected by it who knew no one involved simply out of empathy, and as for the EU Referendum, those of us in other countries know what sort of repercussions votes like that can have, both politically and economically, and we thus empathize with the citizens of the U.K. And worry for their future regardless of the outcome of the vote.
Then you can tack on personal added stressors of unforeseen events like car accidents, storm damage to one's vehicle or home, flooding damage, personal injuries, a death in the family, a break up with a significant other... You get the idea here as well. Stress. Is. Everywhere!!!!!
So, what do we do when we want to relax? Well, if you're like the majority of the population these days, you pop onto the computer and get on, say, Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, whatever. Bad. Idea. Very bad idea. The second you get on any of these, you're flooded with more stressors. Political posts, ideological posts, tragedy posts, stress pretty much starts stabbing you in the eyes, but because you tell yourself it's relaxing time, you trick yourself into thinking you're relaxing when in reality, you're just adding on more stress! Think about it, how often do you get into a debate or argument with someone on the Internet; do you really think that's relaxing? How often do you see a post or meme that irritates or angers you? A story that makes you sad or otherwise upset? This is all added stress! All of it!
While it is important to be up to date with the goings on of the world, it's equally as important to take care of yourself; stress levels today are at record highs and in fact the daily stress of the average high school student, never mind adult, would have had them committed to a psych ward in the 1950s. No joke. Is it any real wonder why so many people are suffering from stress-related depression and anxiety and why so many people are on medications to treat it?
But the truth is... People suffering from stress-induced mental problems don't actually need the medications, they just need to learn how to eliminate stress from their life. I know, I can hear you doing that sarcastic scoff laugh right through my ipad. I've done the same many times when I've read 'eliminate stress' to help reduce chronic pain and Fibro flares. But then I started learning how to eliminate unnecessary stress and holy cow did it work wonders not only for my physical well being but for my mental state as well. How did I do it? Well, let me give you a handy list of some tips and ideas for you to get off the ground with.
Unplug - Stay away from social networking and news websites and skip watching the news on TV. Instead, put on some relaxing music and read a book, watch a favorite movie or TV show, or play a video game.
Unwind - Try a good bath or shower, not just for getting clean but to relax for a while. Give yourself a break to just unwind and decompress after your stressful day.
Decompress - Set aside 30 minutes to an hour of quite time just for yourself, by yourself. What you do during this time, whether you read, listen to soothing music, enjoy a nice cup of tea, or whatever, is up to you, but this is your time.
Indulge - Have a healthy sweet treat; I recommend dark chocolate covered berries or nuts! The endorphin boost is great and there are a lot of benefits to dark chocolate, but don't overdo it - your waistline won't thank you! If sweets aren't your thing, go for whatever your favorite comfort food is, but don't binge; just have a small amount to get that nice 'aaahhh' feeling.
Exercise - Cardio especially is great for this, but any form of exercise provides endorphins and helps relieve stress. Some varieties of yoga are great for relaxing, as well, without being too hard on beginners or people with joint or flexibility issues! Also, a nice evening walk (weather permitting) can be quite relaxing after a stressful day, especially if you can make it to a park or a forest walking trail and spend the time in nature.
Dance it out - One person dance parties are fantastic! Put on your favorite tunes and dance around like a goof ball! It may seem and sound silly, and really, it is, but being silly for the sake of being silly is not only fun, the exercise boosts your endorphins, helps eliminate stress, and the combination of the fun and your favorite music helps to change your mindset. If you have friends about that you can dance it out with, the more the merrier!
Social time - Socialize with people you can relax around, but avoid people who stress you out when you need to decompress.
Hopefully these tips will help, because honestly, decompressing is so important, and stress is getting out of control in society. So, give them a shot, and feel free to let me know if they help and how they work for you!
Triggering - What It Is, Isn't, and Why It Isn't A Bad Thing
(EDIT: Fixed autocorrect of psychologist to psychiatrist... It was meant to be psychologist. Stupid iPad.)
Good day to you lovely person, whomever and wherever you are! First and foremost, allow me to open by stating that I am a mostly-recovered PTSD sufferer (I still occasionally have flashback-nightmares, but this is normal) and suffer from anxiety, bipolar affective disorder and depression (Yes, it is possible to have depression while also being bipolar.) All of these conditions have been diagnosed by doctors and psychologists, the latter of which aren't looking to just throw pills at me as psychologists cannot prescribe prescription medications.
That being said, it's time to discuss the over abundance of the usage of the word "trigger." Anymore, people are using it to describe any negative emotion, emotional discomfort (or physical discomfort brought on by emotional discomfort), etc. That is not what triggering is. At all. Triggering is, specifically, when a symptom of a diagnosed mental illness is provoked by specific subject matter. Got that down? Good! Now, let's move on to emotional discomfort in general - we'll get back to triggering later - and other negativities and why they aren't bad things.
When you experience negative emotion and emotional discomfort, sure, it's unpleasant and everyone would prefer to avoid it, but realistically, that isn't possible - and it isn't healthy. You need to experience negative emotion to have a healthy emotional balance and to grow emotionally and as an individual. People born with disabilities and mental illnesses that stunt their emotional spectrum often have extreme difficulty fitting into society due to this lack of growth as a person; they can't relate and empathize as well with others. Experiencing negative emotion can also be cathartic - have you ever watched a movie that made you cry your eyes out, and found yourself feeling better later on than you had in days or even weeks? It hits an emotional release valve and allows you to feel and express emotions that you had been keeping closed off.
Now, on to triggers, and why they aren't bad. The primary healing factor in recovering from my PTSD was... Exposing myself to triggers. In fact, that is the primary course of non-medication therapy. Exposure to triggers, be it with anxiety or PTSD, is like drawing venom from a wound. Or, for another analogy, like hitting the same spot over and over until it eventually goes numb. Yes, it's painful, and it sucks, and it's the hardest thing you're going to do. But avoiding triggers is literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health unless otherwise specified by your mental health professional!! There was a time where looking at a stranger much less touching them would have my anxiety so incredibly triggered I wouldn't be able to catch my breath from how hard my heart was racing, and I would be dizzy from not only the loss of oxygen but from the shift in blood pressure. Now? The past two weeks in a row I've gotten my nails done - basically spending about an hour holding hands with someone I've never looked at before much less met, talking with them and joking around, laughing, etc. Trigger exposure has done that for my anxiety. I still have anxiety attacks from time to time, but typically they have to do with my health or with conflict going on around me.
More and more evidence is flooding into the mental health community that trigger exposure is highly beneficial in recovery from PTSD and treatment of anxiety with, of course, consultation with your mental health provider. Avoiding triggers isn't the way to go, it's the opposite of trying to help yourself, it's hiding from the problem, it's in fact letting your mental illness control you, and avoiding true recovery/treatment and help. It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop telling the world to change because you have a problem when in reality you're telling the world to change because a problem has you. Take control of the problem. You have the strength, you have the ability, and you have the tools to do it. So do it.
Good day to you lovely person, whomever and wherever you are! First and foremost, allow me to open by stating that I am a mostly-recovered PTSD sufferer (I still occasionally have flashback-nightmares, but this is normal) and suffer from anxiety, bipolar affective disorder and depression (Yes, it is possible to have depression while also being bipolar.) All of these conditions have been diagnosed by doctors and psychologists, the latter of which aren't looking to just throw pills at me as psychologists cannot prescribe prescription medications.
That being said, it's time to discuss the over abundance of the usage of the word "trigger." Anymore, people are using it to describe any negative emotion, emotional discomfort (or physical discomfort brought on by emotional discomfort), etc. That is not what triggering is. At all. Triggering is, specifically, when a symptom of a diagnosed mental illness is provoked by specific subject matter. Got that down? Good! Now, let's move on to emotional discomfort in general - we'll get back to triggering later - and other negativities and why they aren't bad things.
When you experience negative emotion and emotional discomfort, sure, it's unpleasant and everyone would prefer to avoid it, but realistically, that isn't possible - and it isn't healthy. You need to experience negative emotion to have a healthy emotional balance and to grow emotionally and as an individual. People born with disabilities and mental illnesses that stunt their emotional spectrum often have extreme difficulty fitting into society due to this lack of growth as a person; they can't relate and empathize as well with others. Experiencing negative emotion can also be cathartic - have you ever watched a movie that made you cry your eyes out, and found yourself feeling better later on than you had in days or even weeks? It hits an emotional release valve and allows you to feel and express emotions that you had been keeping closed off.
Now, on to triggers, and why they aren't bad. The primary healing factor in recovering from my PTSD was... Exposing myself to triggers. In fact, that is the primary course of non-medication therapy. Exposure to triggers, be it with anxiety or PTSD, is like drawing venom from a wound. Or, for another analogy, like hitting the same spot over and over until it eventually goes numb. Yes, it's painful, and it sucks, and it's the hardest thing you're going to do. But avoiding triggers is literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health unless otherwise specified by your mental health professional!! There was a time where looking at a stranger much less touching them would have my anxiety so incredibly triggered I wouldn't be able to catch my breath from how hard my heart was racing, and I would be dizzy from not only the loss of oxygen but from the shift in blood pressure. Now? The past two weeks in a row I've gotten my nails done - basically spending about an hour holding hands with someone I've never looked at before much less met, talking with them and joking around, laughing, etc. Trigger exposure has done that for my anxiety. I still have anxiety attacks from time to time, but typically they have to do with my health or with conflict going on around me.
More and more evidence is flooding into the mental health community that trigger exposure is highly beneficial in recovery from PTSD and treatment of anxiety with, of course, consultation with your mental health provider. Avoiding triggers isn't the way to go, it's the opposite of trying to help yourself, it's hiding from the problem, it's in fact letting your mental illness control you, and avoiding true recovery/treatment and help. It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop telling the world to change because you have a problem when in reality you're telling the world to change because a problem has you. Take control of the problem. You have the strength, you have the ability, and you have the tools to do it. So do it.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Depression: The Roller Coaster Aspect
A lot of people without depression don't realize that for the majority of us, there's an almost bi-polar aspect to it. No, I'm not saying that it IS bi-polar, or that those with depression are bi-polar, nor am I in any way trivializing or marginalizing bi-polar disorder. I was actually misdiagnosed with bi-polar disorder when a combination of birth control pills and undiagnosed/untreated hypothyroidism had my moods swinging so fast not even I could keep up. (I was very nearly committed at one point during an emotional extreme.)
What I mean by this, is how at one moment, you can be just fine, having a good day, you're happy, laughing, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, you can hear Louis Armstrong singing in the background. That kind of a good day, you know? Then for no reason, and completely out of the blue, all of that disappears, and your mood goes downhill so fast you'd think it was an avalanche.
For me, it feels like there's something alive inside of my chest, clawing and chewing away at every good feeling until it leaves an empty hole there. It isn't numb, at least not all the time - there are moments of apathy. But it's just...a very heavy emptiness. Nothing is interesting, nothing is fun, no matter how much it normally is. Sometimes I cry, most times I don't, because it's really not a feeling that, in and of itself, is inherently sad. It's just... a nothing that weighs as much as an elephant, sitting right there in the middle of my chest, and it more often than not evokes this feeling of intense frustration and anger that tends to cause me to lash out at those around me for the stupidest things, though for the most part I've learned how to control that, and my family has learned that, when I'm going through this sort of mental problem, to keep their heads down so to speak.
Then, just as quickly, that low can disappear for the same non-reason as it appeared and it's right back to Louis Armstrong again. Sometimes it can disappear after just a few minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days, or weeks...months.
The thing is, depression doesn't just present as sadness. It can present as anger, as frustration, as intense apathy, as ennui... there's so many faces that depression wears, and it can change its face so much and so fast, half the time I'm tempted to call it Jaquen H'ghar.
I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms over the years to help deal with these lows. I do something productive, whether it's knitting or sewing, or I clean if I'm physically up to it. If I'm having a really good day, physically, I work out or do something labor intensive. Today, I went out for about two hours and raked leaves. I got about 3/4 of our yard done. I know that doesn't sound like a lot for two hours work, but we live on nearly a half acre, and we have nine oak trees and a birch, as well as a maple in the side yard that often blows leaves into our front yard. Lots. Of. Leaves. I'll eat chocolate and binge-watch my favorite TV shows (usually Supernatural; watching "my boys" battle literal demons and monsters, and their own figurative demons, helps me with my own). But sometimes, those coping mechanisms just don't cut it.
Today has been one of those days. Raking leaves really did help for a couple of hours... but then I started the slide downhill again. Chocolate and Supernatural didn't help, so now I'm watching Doctor Who. I can't really knit, as I'm making myself a scarf, but I'm almost out of one of the yarns I'm using, and I need to get more before I can really do much more work on it. So as it stands, I'm sitting here with that monster clawing at the inside of my chest again and there's nothing that I can do to fend it off.
I could try working out, but after working so hard outside, I'll likely in a fair bit more pain than my normal level tomorrow, any more physical stress and I risk triggering a Fibro Flare that'll last weeks if not months, and right now is not a good time for me to be out of commission. My family needs me physically capable of picking up slack for various reasons, and I can't - no. I WON'T let them down, no matter what.
So, that being the case, I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do to help pull myself out of this slump, and it seems all I can do is just wait for it to pass. I hope to God it does so soon. I'm fairly certain my antidepressants need increased, and I'll be making an appointment with my doctor or his NP as soon as I can to see to that. I should also, or perhaps, first, get my thyroid levels checked; low thyroid hormones can trigger worsening depression, too.
So, if anyone reading this has depression and experiences the same thing I'm going through... you aren't alone in this. I go through it, and so do many others. We're in this together, even if we're thousands of miles apart. We're fighting this same giant beast that wants to destroy us. I'll always keep fighting, and I have no intentions of letting my story end with 'I gave up.' Some days that's harder than others, but I'm so incredibly fortunate to have the love and support of my wonderful and amazing family and friends behind me. I took them for granted for a long time, but eight months without them made me realize just how lucky I was to have them, and have them so close. I'll never take for granted having them right here with me, fighting the same fight I am - the fight against the pain, the fight against the inner monsters, and the fight against anyone who dare say our pain, be it mental or physical, isn't real, because it damn sure is.
What I mean by this, is how at one moment, you can be just fine, having a good day, you're happy, laughing, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, you can hear Louis Armstrong singing in the background. That kind of a good day, you know? Then for no reason, and completely out of the blue, all of that disappears, and your mood goes downhill so fast you'd think it was an avalanche.
For me, it feels like there's something alive inside of my chest, clawing and chewing away at every good feeling until it leaves an empty hole there. It isn't numb, at least not all the time - there are moments of apathy. But it's just...a very heavy emptiness. Nothing is interesting, nothing is fun, no matter how much it normally is. Sometimes I cry, most times I don't, because it's really not a feeling that, in and of itself, is inherently sad. It's just... a nothing that weighs as much as an elephant, sitting right there in the middle of my chest, and it more often than not evokes this feeling of intense frustration and anger that tends to cause me to lash out at those around me for the stupidest things, though for the most part I've learned how to control that, and my family has learned that, when I'm going through this sort of mental problem, to keep their heads down so to speak.
Then, just as quickly, that low can disappear for the same non-reason as it appeared and it's right back to Louis Armstrong again. Sometimes it can disappear after just a few minutes, sometimes hours, sometimes days, or weeks...months.
The thing is, depression doesn't just present as sadness. It can present as anger, as frustration, as intense apathy, as ennui... there's so many faces that depression wears, and it can change its face so much and so fast, half the time I'm tempted to call it Jaquen H'ghar.
I've developed a lot of coping mechanisms over the years to help deal with these lows. I do something productive, whether it's knitting or sewing, or I clean if I'm physically up to it. If I'm having a really good day, physically, I work out or do something labor intensive. Today, I went out for about two hours and raked leaves. I got about 3/4 of our yard done. I know that doesn't sound like a lot for two hours work, but we live on nearly a half acre, and we have nine oak trees and a birch, as well as a maple in the side yard that often blows leaves into our front yard. Lots. Of. Leaves. I'll eat chocolate and binge-watch my favorite TV shows (usually Supernatural; watching "my boys" battle literal demons and monsters, and their own figurative demons, helps me with my own). But sometimes, those coping mechanisms just don't cut it.
Today has been one of those days. Raking leaves really did help for a couple of hours... but then I started the slide downhill again. Chocolate and Supernatural didn't help, so now I'm watching Doctor Who. I can't really knit, as I'm making myself a scarf, but I'm almost out of one of the yarns I'm using, and I need to get more before I can really do much more work on it. So as it stands, I'm sitting here with that monster clawing at the inside of my chest again and there's nothing that I can do to fend it off.
I could try working out, but after working so hard outside, I'll likely in a fair bit more pain than my normal level tomorrow, any more physical stress and I risk triggering a Fibro Flare that'll last weeks if not months, and right now is not a good time for me to be out of commission. My family needs me physically capable of picking up slack for various reasons, and I can't - no. I WON'T let them down, no matter what.
So, that being the case, I'm at a loss. I have no idea what to do to help pull myself out of this slump, and it seems all I can do is just wait for it to pass. I hope to God it does so soon. I'm fairly certain my antidepressants need increased, and I'll be making an appointment with my doctor or his NP as soon as I can to see to that. I should also, or perhaps, first, get my thyroid levels checked; low thyroid hormones can trigger worsening depression, too.
So, if anyone reading this has depression and experiences the same thing I'm going through... you aren't alone in this. I go through it, and so do many others. We're in this together, even if we're thousands of miles apart. We're fighting this same giant beast that wants to destroy us. I'll always keep fighting, and I have no intentions of letting my story end with 'I gave up.' Some days that's harder than others, but I'm so incredibly fortunate to have the love and support of my wonderful and amazing family and friends behind me. I took them for granted for a long time, but eight months without them made me realize just how lucky I was to have them, and have them so close. I'll never take for granted having them right here with me, fighting the same fight I am - the fight against the pain, the fight against the inner monsters, and the fight against anyone who dare say our pain, be it mental or physical, isn't real, because it damn sure is.
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