The Parts of Depression No One Tells You About

I think honestly one of the hardest parts of depression is the overwhelming self-deprecation. There have been so many times I go to make a post on Facebook or Twitter, or something of the like, and I delete everything I've typed thinking, 'No one cares. Who wants to hear you whine? God, stop being such a pain.' I always feel like even mentioning my depression, or my chronic pain, to anyone save one or two people is just unnecessary whining, like they're just listening to be polite, or sitting there silently hoping I'll shut up.

It's a very lonely feeling, even if you know, logically, that it isn't true, that people do care, that people do want to help and to listen... it doesn't matter. Because logic plays no part in depression.

No one ever told me how overwhelmingly isolated and lonely I'd feel, I never heard about how instead of crying and feeling sad all the time like I always thought depression would be... that more often it's this heavy, incredibly empty feeling that feels like an invisible weight in the center of your chest that's threatening to consume you and everything you love and enjoy. No one ever told me that I'd constantly feel like a burden, or that I wasn't good enough, or that I'd outright hate myself at times just because of who I am and because of things outside of my control. No one ever told me that the good days would be great, but that sometimes those days would make the bad ones seem even worse because people don't understand that just because you were fine the day before doesn't mean you'll be fine the next. No one ever told me that the days my pain was at its worst, I tended to be at my emotional best, because at least then I was feeling something, even if it hurt.

There are so many things that I never knew until my depression escalated. I never realized that I took for granted the simple act of enjoying something I'm doing, rather than just sitting there doing it to pass the time. I also never realized how much this monster in my mind would effect my self-worth - of which I have very little at times, or my relationships with friends and family. How much I'd want to just completely isolate myself and hide myself away because the world beyond my little sanctuary makes me feel more alone and without value than ever. What value does society place on someone who can't work? Not much.

As far as romantic relationships go, I honestly stopped even trying... who wants someone that they'd have to take care of, that's both physically disabled and  dealing with depression? At least that's been my thought on it. I don't know, maybe I'm way off. Maybe I'm not. I honestly have no idea.

No one ever talks about how much of your life depression will get into, how many things it'll tear apart and break down, how much it'll hurt, and how often you'll just become completely numb where you stop feeling and stop caring about anything.

Maybe they should start.