Tonight is another fight with my monster - depression is again clawing at my heart and my rationality. It takes everything I have to fight it. Depression takes every bit of common sense, of reason, of logic, of hope and optimism and stamps it out as if none of it had ever existed, and it pulls me down into a deep, dark pit of pain, despair and hopelessness. Sometimes it overwhelms me to the point of total apathy and I'm, for a time, thankfully numb to the pain. I say thankfully because, truly, those moments of apathy are a welcome reprieve from the clawing I feel inside my chest like a true, physical pain.
Sometimes I cry, other times tears escape of their own will through no intent of my own while I lie staring at the ceiling or into the dark of my room, and other times my body is wracked with silent sobs that are so intensely violent my back suffers jolts of sharp, stabbing pain like some great beast is trying to wrench its way out of me through those sobs. Why silent? I don't know. I've never really been able to bring myself to make a sound when I cry during heavily depressive phases. I think, if I'm totally honest, it's partly shame. I'm ashamed of the mental pity party I have that elicit the tears. The thoughts I have both at the time and in hindsight seem so stupid and petty and petulant to me when so many are suffering worse that I don't want anyone to overhear my tears and ask me what's wrong, because then I might have to speak them aloud and I don't want them to hear how stupid my brain is being. So I suffer my depression as I suffer my chronic pain - in silence.
I know this is dangerous to do, should I ever start to lose my fight, but I assure you were it ever to reach that point I would speak out. I promise. And perhaps even now I should. But I really do feel utterly stupid for how my brain thinks when I'm like this. I know my mom would never judge me, but she has enough on her plate.
The truth is, a lot of it is just... genuine loneliness. Aside from my immediate family, I have no friends offline. Everyone I know is all over the place, globally. The nearest in Ontario. I can't drive, so it's not like I can go out and find places to go to meet people and do fun things. And I don't live in a major city so Uber is out of the question, not to mention I can't afford it anyway, really.
My entire future is one gigantic question mark, and most days, I just...can't deal with that. I sit here and wonder, almost every night, about what kind of future I'll have. Will I ever get married to a decent man(unlike my emotionally abusive and manipulative ex husband), and if so when and how the hell am I supposed to meet him in the first place? Will I have kids, and if so, how many? I'm turning 31 in December and the ol' oven has a shelf life before the proverbial D20 roll stars getting riskier. Not to mention if I do have kids, what are the odds that they'll have chronic illnesses that I have? Do I even want to have biological kids in that case, even though it's something I've always wanted? Or a that just being selfish as fuck when I'm putting their health at risk and so many kids are out there needing a good home?
Thoughts like those are just a few of many that race through my mind when the monster's on my back. And I can't make it stop. I don't know how. I just have to grin and bear it until it finally lets go and I can breathe again.
I don't know what to do.
About anything.
And that is the most terrifying and haunting thought of them all.
Showing posts with label emotional health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional health. Show all posts
Monday, July 24, 2017
Thursday, June 23, 2016
The Importance of Decompressing
I know lately my blog has been pretty ranty, and rightly so, really, but right now I want to change things up just a bit. This is a post that's so, so very important, not just for people with chronic illness or mental illness, but for everyone. That's right, everyone. Healthy people, disabled people, people with mental illness, without mental illness, whatever. Everyone can benefit from this post, and honestly, if you found it helpful at all by the end, or agree that it's important, I heavily urge you to share it - not for my benefit or popularity or anything narcissistic like that, but to help other people.
Everything in the world right now is so insanely stressful. It really is. Especially for people who watch the news on the television (I don't; more on that in a bit) or constant surf news websites and/or read newspapers. It seems that the news is 0.01% good news and 99.99% bad news. It's all murder, mayhem, and violence. It's utter carnage. Everywhere. I had to stop watching because it would make me so depressed that I could barely function; it made me believe that there was literally nothing good left in the world, and that the world was going to hell in a hand basket. While to an extent it is, there is still so much good out there, there truly is, but that isn't what the media reports because they would rather stir up the fear, the animosity, etc. At any rate, life is so full of stress for everyone, between the state of the world, politics, work (if you do), relationships (if you're in one), family life (if you have one), well, you get the idea. Then you have the commute to and from work for those that work, which in and of itself is full of its own stresses, and for those who work at home (whether it's a work from home job or being a housewife/househusband) the stress is there constantly, no matter what, and believe me, being a housewife is stressful even if you don't have children. Stress will bog you down and drag you down and make you so irritable and tightly wound that it begins to overflow into everything you do and say without you even realizing it!
Then you have the added stressors of tragic events like the Orlando shooting, or political uphevals like the EU Referendum, what have you, that add further emotional and mental stress into our lives even if we aren't directly involved. While I myself lost two friends in the Orlando shooting, many people were affected by it who knew no one involved simply out of empathy, and as for the EU Referendum, those of us in other countries know what sort of repercussions votes like that can have, both politically and economically, and we thus empathize with the citizens of the U.K. And worry for their future regardless of the outcome of the vote.
Then you can tack on personal added stressors of unforeseen events like car accidents, storm damage to one's vehicle or home, flooding damage, personal injuries, a death in the family, a break up with a significant other... You get the idea here as well. Stress. Is. Everywhere!!!!!
So, what do we do when we want to relax? Well, if you're like the majority of the population these days, you pop onto the computer and get on, say, Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, whatever. Bad. Idea. Very bad idea. The second you get on any of these, you're flooded with more stressors. Political posts, ideological posts, tragedy posts, stress pretty much starts stabbing you in the eyes, but because you tell yourself it's relaxing time, you trick yourself into thinking you're relaxing when in reality, you're just adding on more stress! Think about it, how often do you get into a debate or argument with someone on the Internet; do you really think that's relaxing? How often do you see a post or meme that irritates or angers you? A story that makes you sad or otherwise upset? This is all added stress! All of it!
While it is important to be up to date with the goings on of the world, it's equally as important to take care of yourself; stress levels today are at record highs and in fact the daily stress of the average high school student, never mind adult, would have had them committed to a psych ward in the 1950s. No joke. Is it any real wonder why so many people are suffering from stress-related depression and anxiety and why so many people are on medications to treat it?
But the truth is... People suffering from stress-induced mental problems don't actually need the medications, they just need to learn how to eliminate stress from their life. I know, I can hear you doing that sarcastic scoff laugh right through my ipad. I've done the same many times when I've read 'eliminate stress' to help reduce chronic pain and Fibro flares. But then I started learning how to eliminate unnecessary stress and holy cow did it work wonders not only for my physical well being but for my mental state as well. How did I do it? Well, let me give you a handy list of some tips and ideas for you to get off the ground with.
Unplug - Stay away from social networking and news websites and skip watching the news on TV. Instead, put on some relaxing music and read a book, watch a favorite movie or TV show, or play a video game.
Unwind - Try a good bath or shower, not just for getting clean but to relax for a while. Give yourself a break to just unwind and decompress after your stressful day.
Decompress - Set aside 30 minutes to an hour of quite time just for yourself, by yourself. What you do during this time, whether you read, listen to soothing music, enjoy a nice cup of tea, or whatever, is up to you, but this is your time.
Indulge - Have a healthy sweet treat; I recommend dark chocolate covered berries or nuts! The endorphin boost is great and there are a lot of benefits to dark chocolate, but don't overdo it - your waistline won't thank you! If sweets aren't your thing, go for whatever your favorite comfort food is, but don't binge; just have a small amount to get that nice 'aaahhh' feeling.
Exercise - Cardio especially is great for this, but any form of exercise provides endorphins and helps relieve stress. Some varieties of yoga are great for relaxing, as well, without being too hard on beginners or people with joint or flexibility issues! Also, a nice evening walk (weather permitting) can be quite relaxing after a stressful day, especially if you can make it to a park or a forest walking trail and spend the time in nature.
Dance it out - One person dance parties are fantastic! Put on your favorite tunes and dance around like a goof ball! It may seem and sound silly, and really, it is, but being silly for the sake of being silly is not only fun, the exercise boosts your endorphins, helps eliminate stress, and the combination of the fun and your favorite music helps to change your mindset. If you have friends about that you can dance it out with, the more the merrier!
Social time - Socialize with people you can relax around, but avoid people who stress you out when you need to decompress.
Hopefully these tips will help, because honestly, decompressing is so important, and stress is getting out of control in society. So, give them a shot, and feel free to let me know if they help and how they work for you!
Everything in the world right now is so insanely stressful. It really is. Especially for people who watch the news on the television (I don't; more on that in a bit) or constant surf news websites and/or read newspapers. It seems that the news is 0.01% good news and 99.99% bad news. It's all murder, mayhem, and violence. It's utter carnage. Everywhere. I had to stop watching because it would make me so depressed that I could barely function; it made me believe that there was literally nothing good left in the world, and that the world was going to hell in a hand basket. While to an extent it is, there is still so much good out there, there truly is, but that isn't what the media reports because they would rather stir up the fear, the animosity, etc. At any rate, life is so full of stress for everyone, between the state of the world, politics, work (if you do), relationships (if you're in one), family life (if you have one), well, you get the idea. Then you have the commute to and from work for those that work, which in and of itself is full of its own stresses, and for those who work at home (whether it's a work from home job or being a housewife/househusband) the stress is there constantly, no matter what, and believe me, being a housewife is stressful even if you don't have children. Stress will bog you down and drag you down and make you so irritable and tightly wound that it begins to overflow into everything you do and say without you even realizing it!
Then you have the added stressors of tragic events like the Orlando shooting, or political uphevals like the EU Referendum, what have you, that add further emotional and mental stress into our lives even if we aren't directly involved. While I myself lost two friends in the Orlando shooting, many people were affected by it who knew no one involved simply out of empathy, and as for the EU Referendum, those of us in other countries know what sort of repercussions votes like that can have, both politically and economically, and we thus empathize with the citizens of the U.K. And worry for their future regardless of the outcome of the vote.
Then you can tack on personal added stressors of unforeseen events like car accidents, storm damage to one's vehicle or home, flooding damage, personal injuries, a death in the family, a break up with a significant other... You get the idea here as well. Stress. Is. Everywhere!!!!!
So, what do we do when we want to relax? Well, if you're like the majority of the population these days, you pop onto the computer and get on, say, Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, whatever. Bad. Idea. Very bad idea. The second you get on any of these, you're flooded with more stressors. Political posts, ideological posts, tragedy posts, stress pretty much starts stabbing you in the eyes, but because you tell yourself it's relaxing time, you trick yourself into thinking you're relaxing when in reality, you're just adding on more stress! Think about it, how often do you get into a debate or argument with someone on the Internet; do you really think that's relaxing? How often do you see a post or meme that irritates or angers you? A story that makes you sad or otherwise upset? This is all added stress! All of it!
While it is important to be up to date with the goings on of the world, it's equally as important to take care of yourself; stress levels today are at record highs and in fact the daily stress of the average high school student, never mind adult, would have had them committed to a psych ward in the 1950s. No joke. Is it any real wonder why so many people are suffering from stress-related depression and anxiety and why so many people are on medications to treat it?
But the truth is... People suffering from stress-induced mental problems don't actually need the medications, they just need to learn how to eliminate stress from their life. I know, I can hear you doing that sarcastic scoff laugh right through my ipad. I've done the same many times when I've read 'eliminate stress' to help reduce chronic pain and Fibro flares. But then I started learning how to eliminate unnecessary stress and holy cow did it work wonders not only for my physical well being but for my mental state as well. How did I do it? Well, let me give you a handy list of some tips and ideas for you to get off the ground with.
Unplug - Stay away from social networking and news websites and skip watching the news on TV. Instead, put on some relaxing music and read a book, watch a favorite movie or TV show, or play a video game.
Unwind - Try a good bath or shower, not just for getting clean but to relax for a while. Give yourself a break to just unwind and decompress after your stressful day.
Decompress - Set aside 30 minutes to an hour of quite time just for yourself, by yourself. What you do during this time, whether you read, listen to soothing music, enjoy a nice cup of tea, or whatever, is up to you, but this is your time.
Indulge - Have a healthy sweet treat; I recommend dark chocolate covered berries or nuts! The endorphin boost is great and there are a lot of benefits to dark chocolate, but don't overdo it - your waistline won't thank you! If sweets aren't your thing, go for whatever your favorite comfort food is, but don't binge; just have a small amount to get that nice 'aaahhh' feeling.
Exercise - Cardio especially is great for this, but any form of exercise provides endorphins and helps relieve stress. Some varieties of yoga are great for relaxing, as well, without being too hard on beginners or people with joint or flexibility issues! Also, a nice evening walk (weather permitting) can be quite relaxing after a stressful day, especially if you can make it to a park or a forest walking trail and spend the time in nature.
Dance it out - One person dance parties are fantastic! Put on your favorite tunes and dance around like a goof ball! It may seem and sound silly, and really, it is, but being silly for the sake of being silly is not only fun, the exercise boosts your endorphins, helps eliminate stress, and the combination of the fun and your favorite music helps to change your mindset. If you have friends about that you can dance it out with, the more the merrier!
Social time - Socialize with people you can relax around, but avoid people who stress you out when you need to decompress.
Hopefully these tips will help, because honestly, decompressing is so important, and stress is getting out of control in society. So, give them a shot, and feel free to let me know if they help and how they work for you!
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