I Just Need To Vent

~Warning, cursing~ 

    

    As the title of this post might indicate, I just really need to vent right now. Last week, I had a full spinal MRI. The cervical MRI (Which, most of my issues are in my neck) showed my cerebellar tonsils (I have a Type 1 Chiari Malformation) were now at a 4.2mm descent, which, they used to be about 2.4 if memory serves. I’ve been having heart palpitations, fine motor skill issues, and numbness in my hands; all indicators that it’s quite probably the herniation causing a lot of my problems, including the increased pain in my neck, which also suggested I need a referral to a neurosurgeon to discuss decompression surgery.

    Today, I had a 10:45 AM telehealth appointment with my pain doctor to discuss the MRI results. I logged into the virtual lobby at ~9:20, just to be sure I didn’t have any technical difficulties. I get a message at 10:23 from a nurse, she was all, 

“You know your appointment is at 10:45 right?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t have any technical difficulties!”

“Oh, great! Thank you! I’ll get you checked in, someone will be on the call in a few minutes.”

“Thanks!”

    At 1:45 PM, after sending multiple messages trying to find out what was going on, I left the lobby. FOUR HOURS after my scheduled appointment time. Fifteen minutes later, I called the office to find out what was going on. They put me on hold, and when the receptionist came back she was like ‘*NP’s Name* has a really full afternoon, so we need to reschedule you.’

    WHAT. THE. FUCK? I waited FOUR GODDAMNED HOURS and NOW I have to reschedule because they essentially fucking forgot about me!? It got rescheduled for January 4th. Two fucking weeks from now. And while that may not sound like a very long time to some, when you can barely sleep at night because of the pain in your neck and the fact your heart randomly decides to skip beats, it’s a damn eternity. There’s so much that I flat out cannot do right now because of how badly my hands function, never mind the never-ending pain. 

    I’m just. So damned angry right now. 

Update: Life is a Rollercoaster

I know I’ve been promising an update blog for ages and haven’t been following through. Sorry about that; my energy levels have been fluctuating and most days laying around binge watching stuff or gaming is about all I have any real desire for.

It’s been a long while since I’ve gone into any detail about what’s been going on with me, I mean I’ll do posts here and there about this appointment or this problem, but nothing really in depth. Part of that was just plain laziness, and part of it was out of a desire to not jinx myself.

Some months ago, I had Supartz (hyaluronnic acid) injection series in both of my knees - one shot a week for three weeks per knee. This has actually greatly improved my issues with my knees, especially considering the rather disastrous results of the corticosteroid injections that were tried prior that made the pain so much worse. My pain level in my knees has dissipated, initially by about 70% during the peak of its efficacy, but now as time has passed and weather has gotten wonky, I’d rate it as about a 50% pain relief which is still nothing to sneeze at by any means! Also, for some reason, this has also stopped my knees from subluxing and dislocating, which is a very, very welcome, if unexpected, result. It’s been a great change in my life to have my knees maxing out at a 6 on my knee pain scale at their absolute worst when prior to the Supartz, they were living there as their normal.

Another significant improvement is my migraines. My pain doctor had, back in August, given me an epidural. I hadn’t had another severe migraine until one last month, and the minor migraines I did get were very short lasting and more than tolerable compared to the 10 days of hell they were. I have also completely weaned off of the Topamax thanks to the epidural. I am going to be having another one soon as a result of the migraine last month - he wants to ensure that I don’t have more significant flares - and I never thought looking forward to needles being stuck in my neck would be a thing.

As of May 20th, I have been a non smoker; I’m more than proud of this particular achievement as it’s an addiction I had had since the age of 16, and really was my only addiction.

(Also, Turk and JD, my gerbils, are both in good health, if now living in separate habitats due to fighting.)

Now for the not-so-great. The degenerative discs in my thoracic spine have been giving me hell, leading to severe muscle spasms in my upper back, at times outright debilitating and nauseating pain, and pain that, oddly enough, radiates into my arms - this is usually a cervical spine problem, not thoracic, but as my pain doc says, my body can’t ever make anything easy. This has thrown the brakes on the next step of rehabilitation for my hips, knees and lumbar spine as I was going to go for aqua therapy, but doc now wants a new MRI of my t-spine as the most recent was 2 or 3 years ago, and we’ll see what we’ll see from there.

I’ve also been having a lot of sinus headaches due to the Sjogren’s causing chronic sinusitis and sinus infections, so that’s always fun, and as a result my eyes have been giving me problems as well - though I’m not 100% certain it’s all due to my sinuses, and will be getting another eye exam soon to ensure all is well with my eyes, as autoimmunes as well as Ehlers-Danlos like to attack organs like the eyes and ears.

My energy level has been in the toilet, and I’ve been doing my best to rectify that, but with little result. I have been eating healthier - well, as much as one can eating microwave meals (healthy choice steamers mostly) - but my appetite is fickle when I’m so tired. I honestly would love to get more raw foods and yummy vegetables into my diet, but prepping and cooking as a spoonie with a fatigue flare is laughable. I’m just glad flash freezing works well and I know that the vegetables in my steamers are nutritious. So I have that going for me.

All in all, the next few months is going to be a long process of diagnostic testing and treatment experimentation, followed by the long road of rehab, but I’m hoping I’ll eventually achieve a more pain-free life; something I wouldn’t have dared hope for not long ago, but my pain doc and the ideas and solutions he has come up with have given me that hope again. It’s kinda nice.

~Jade

Exhaustion Comes In Many Forms

I'm having one of those nights that I think we've all had at one point in time or another. Where a wave of completely crippling exhaustion washes over you and you can't recall ever feeling so tired in your life. But at the same time, you really can't think of a proper word for it; tired or exhausted seems to fall short. 

Tonight, for me, this exhaustion goes beyond just physical exhaustion, though its presence is certainly felt. I feel emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted as if something has squashes all of the energy out of me like grapes in a juicing vat.

 I know part of the mental and emotional exhaustion comes from the inundation of just... absolute awfulness on the news, and on social media. The constant conflicts that I find myself wandering into simply by civilly voicing my opinion. Of having to constantly defend my right to have my opinion, to believe what I do, to exist. 

I suppose it's only natural spiritual exhaustion would follow, when surrounded with an environment of so much hate and anger and turmoil.

As to the physical exhaustion, that I've done to myself. I've been borrowing spoons for nearly three days now, as my dad had to have an operation and will not be allowed to do his normal household stuff for two weeks. So on top of what I typically do, to which I have down to a science of spoon cost, I now have quite a lot more to do on top of it, and I'm at such a huge spoon deficit right now I don't know how I'll ever pay it back any time soon. 

My body is letting me know quite severely that it's unhappy with what I've been doing via a drastic uptick in pain, so even though I want to sleep - desperately need to, in fact - I can't, because painsomnia is a bitch like that. 

But really, I'm the only one who can pick up most of his slack while he's down. My mom already runs her ass off doing stuff, adding more onto her shoulders would not only be monumentally unfair but I'm certain it would have her on crutches at the very least in no time. 

As to my brother.... he could help, certainly. But he doesn't. Or at least has yet to. We'll see in the remainder of the two weeks, but I don't have high hopes. When it comes to pitching in with housework he tends to have more excuses than a pregnant nun in confession. I don't deny that he is in pain. But who the hell isn't, in this house? I fight back tears while I clean the kitchen and sweep the floor, and then don't bother fighting them when I take our dog out to do his business because it's the one place no one will notice them. But to him, his pain is always the most important and the most severe, screw anyone else. 

It pisses me off to no end. 

Anyway. I just. Needed to rant and vent a little bit. Thanks for reading and if you're a new viewer to my blogs, feel free to peruse older posts. 

Jade

My Thanksgiving

This may seem off topic, and I suppose it is in the direct sense, but I think it's important as a spoonie to take time out now and again to remember the things I'm thankful for, especially on my worst days. Thanksgiving is the time of year, whenever and wherever it's celebrated, that people typically take time out of their day to share what it is they're thankful for. While this isn't a tradition at dinner in my house (owing mainly to two brothers who can't take such things seriously) I've decided to do a blog post instead. 

I'm thankful for my family, first and foremost, who supports and stands by me come what may. We may not always get along with each other, but when the chips are down, we always have each other's backs - and fronts - and we stick together through thick and thin. Words can't describe how much their support has gotten me through, and undoubtedly how much more it will continue to do so. 

My friends, of course, come next. There aren't many that I have in the offline world and those that I do I very rarely see. But those online are as good as gold, and I wouldn't trade a single one of them for a mint of money, because they too have gotten me through so much; many without even knowing it. Posts that make me laugh when all I want to do is cry, posts that inspire when I want to give up, even just a well-timed hello when I'm feeling alone, all of that and more has pulled me through some serious darkness and back into the light again. Thank you. Really and truly, from the bottom of my heart. (Also, thank you for putting up with my random bitch-fests about various aches, pains, and injuries on Twitter LOL.)

The family pets get their own segment - they are, of course, considered family by all of us, but I wanted to give them a specific little paragraph here. We have Pepper (whose name is short for Black Pepper [yeah, I know. We didn't name him.]) who is a Chiweenie - a half-chihuahua, half-dachshund, Turk, the brown and white gerbil, and his brother JD, the silver and white gerbil. Each one of these furred angels has brought special joy and love into my life. 

Pepper has been with us for I believe six years now, come Cinco de Mayo. He is our second dog, his predecessor, also a chiweenie named Bandit, had passed about a year before. His intelligence and unceasing attempts to talk put us in stitches, especially when he manages to actually audibly pronounce words well enough to be understood (not even joking; he's said mama, love you, night night, yes, no, time for school  [what we say when it's time for his training] and several other things - typically in cadenced growls of varying pitches and tones, but the way he uses his tongue and snout to alter the sounds makes him clearly understandable.). The way he understands what we're saying well enough to cut us looks or react in other fashions is usually good for a laugh too. But there's also how he reacts to knowing we're in pain or not feeling well, by lying with us and trying to lick at where we're sore, or snuggling against us and not wanting to budge when we're sick.  That's not to say he doesn't get into his fair share of mischief, especially as he has an apparent fetish for tissues both used and new, but overall he's a well behaved pup full of love and laughs, and he's been a blessing in this house. 

Turk and JD are in a class of their own - as gerbils they're a fair bit different than a dog, as you'd expect. But they're more intelligent than one would think, and watching their antics, whether it's Turk's constant architectural redesign or JD's incessant desire to be running on the wheel (when he isn't eating) and occasionally getting going so fast he does a full revolution on the wheel and flings himself out, they each have their own distinct personalities. They're quite loving creatures in their own way - not only with each other in how they snuggle and groom one another - but with the people in the house as well. They're always happy to see us, often hopping happily up onto their hind legs when they hear a familiar voice and running to stand atop the cabin where we always pet them from, and eager to give us gentle little nibbles on our fingers and snuggling into our hands - though JD still has to learn his own strength with his nibbles from time to time. Their curiosity and eagerness to interact and explore the world and everything in it is fascinating to watch and more often than not amusing, and the trust they put in me when they let me hold them and run along my hands and arms, trusting me not to let them fall, is, quite honestly, breathtaking. 

Next on the list comes my doctors. Without them I don't know where I'd be other than in even more pain than I can imagine and certainly much less mobile than I am now. Their persistence in not only finding treatments that work but testing to diagnose and find out what may or may not be wrong, their perseverance when results are negative and treatments don't work, is incredible. They never give up on me or my broken body. They never stop trying. They never stop working on thinking of new things or alternative therapies or medications that might work as an off-label use. Every now and again, they get a winner, and their genuine joy and satisfaction when I report something actially alleviating symptoms is heartwarming. It renews my faith that they genuinely want me to get better just as much as I do. Even if we all know I may not ever get fully better, we work towards getting me as better as I can be, and I'm reassured in and eternally grateful for the fact I know I'm not alone in that fight. 

Last but most certainly not least, I'm thankful for everything that I have that I know I'm so fortunate to have. A warm home. Food. Clothes. A comfortable bed. Clean drinking water. Books to read and the education to know how to read them. Everything. There are millions on this planet that have so much less than I do. Who are lucky to have even one thing I've listed in this paragraph. I haven't forgotten them this thanksgiving. I don't forget them any day of the year. They are constantly in my thoughts, as cliche as that is to say. I wish I could do more to help beyond what meager donations to charitable organizations I can give. 

After Thanksgiving dinner, many will leave the table to go shopping, some in rather violent altercations, for Black Friday deals. I always found this hypocritical. But I'm not here to chastise or guilt trip those of you that do this, because I know that for some of you, these sales are the only way you can afford to shop for the holidays. 

But I would like to make one request of those of you reading: Shop for them, too, if you can. Toys for Tots and other charitable drives help the less fortunate every year. If you can even manage to donate one thing, you're bringing a child a smile. 

Thank you for reading, I hope you and your families have a very happy Thanksgiving, and blessed, happy holidays thereafter - whatever it is you celebrate.

Jade

So Tired of Being Tired

Truthfully, I don't usually post many blog posts from my phone, much less spontaneously with the sole intent of complaining about a fact of Spoonie life rather than with a purpose of conveying a point. This is one of those exceptions, because, really, I need to vent a little.

I've been caught in a Fibro flare for several weeks now. I can't say it's unexpected; the change of the seasons tend to bring them on, and when you add on the fact I got normal-person sick on top of it, it was a perfect Spoonie storm. I could honestly live with the pain; pain is a constant background noise in my life that regularly shoves itself into the foreground, demanding my attention like a toddler throwing a tantrum until I attend to it and it reduces back to that background noise state. It's never totally  -gone,- it's just varying levels of presence.

The exhaustion, on the other hand... that's what makes this suck. People hear the term chronic fatigue and assume you're just tired all the time and need to sleep more. I wish it were just that. The fatigue is completely crippling. I can count probably on no more than both hands how many times in the past few weeks I've had the ability to get out of bed to do more than use the restroom or make a quick-and-easy snack or small meal. Some days even holding my phone is exhausting. Chronic fatigue syndrome also causes aches, itself, in the joints and muscles, it causes sore throats and headaches, even fevers. For all intents and purposes, it's a bit like having the worst flu you've had in your life.... but it doesn't go away.

I spend so much time sleeping, but I wake up as exhausted or even more exhausted than before I went to sleep. Then there are the days I'm dealing with either insomnia or painsomnia, so the sleep that at least seems to keep me going is denied, and the fatigue is bolstered by pure mental, emotional and physical exhaustion the likes of which makes my muscles tremble and my stomach churn with nausea, and my mind blank with white noise because thinking is too difficult and too demanding of my ever-dwindling store of energy.

When I'm on Twitter and I don't interact much beyond likes and retweets, it isn't personal. It's because it's too exhausting to type; to do more than scroll and tap either like or retweet and carry on. That's my way of reaching out beyond my fatigue into the social sphere with what little I can offer.

I'm only 30. I shouldn't feel this way. But I do. And there are many people older and younger who share this situation with me. We are the invisible people to the outside world; we rarely go out because of how drained we are. We miss out on life itself because we're putting our energy simply into existing, into surviving, into trying to make it through one day at a time.

Life slowly passes us by... and we can't do anything about it but watch it as it goes.

I'm tired of being tired. I know you are, too. We are all tired together, being drained by that invisible energetic vampire trying to suck our lives away. Knowing we aren't alone in this... It helps some. Knowing there are others feeling what we feel - physically, mentally, emotionally... it reduces the sense of isolation this brings on. But nothing will eliminate it completely. Nothing but a cure.

Few scientists seem interested in that. We usually aren't in a popular category - our illnesses typically won't kill us. They aren't contagious. So why should they bother trying to cure illnesses like chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, ehlers-danlos, etc.? It's not like we're going to drop dead. We'll just exist in a Half-Life of pain and fatigue as the world passes us by. Best not to bother about us, right?

I know. That was bitter. And I'm ignoring the progress that -has- been made in fibromyalgia and cfs research. But damn it, I've been dealing with this for most of my life - coming up 21 years! And it isn't getting any better. Not for me, not for any of us I think. Progress may be progress and Rome wasn't built in a day.... but it seems, from my viewpoint, that people aren't aware - or don't care - about the invisible illnesses that take their toll on the millions that suffer with them.

That needs to change. Desperately.

We want our lives back.

I want a life for the first time!

And it isn't just up to those of us that are ill to fix it. We can't do it on our own. We need you, too. We need help, we need awareness, compassion, and empathy.

We need a cure.

Chronic Life, Chronic Thoughts

I don't use the term 'chronic thoughts' lightly in this title. I also don't, exactly, mean it in the sense that they're thoughts specifically dealing with any particular chronic illness, but rather chronically recurring thoughts that crop up of their own accord, cause me to fixate on them for a length of time, and eventually taper off again.

I'm sure I'm not the only Spoonie that feels this way, or that has these sorts of chronic thoughts, especially after a round of testing. Some of you may be aware that I recently had a thyroid ultrasound, and the ultrasound, while finding many small nodules and cysts and two quite large cysts/nodules (each is 1cm), none of them, per the report, are suspicious.

The problem is, I haven't been able to get the alarm bells in my head to stop ringing. I last had an ultrasound about 5 years ago, and there were only a couple of tiny nodules then. I've been on thyroid hormone treatment since my dx of hypothyroid/thyroiditis, but recently I've been experiencing a lot of pain in and around my thyroid, as though it's trying to push itself out of the sides of my neck. My voice is getting progressively more hoarse, and swallowing is becoming a bit more bothersome, as though I'm trying to swallow around something lodged in my throat, and my energy level is in the toilet.

My T4 is in the normal range (I'm not sure why T3 wasn't tested) however my TSH is extremely low - 0.040 (Normal is 0.270-4.200). My symptoms would indicate, if anything, my thyroid is being under-treated but the blood work would suggest either over-treatment or a pituitary issue (which is one reason why I've an appointment with an endocrinologist this month.)

I'm not usually one to worry after I get an 'everything's okay' report from a scan. But this time, I can't stop worrying. It's a persistent niggling in the back of my mind that at times rises to a near panic. The last time I had an unshakable worry about my own health, it was just before they'd caught the hypothyroidism. Now I'm left wondering if perhaps they'd missed something on the ultrasound, or if they should have done a biopsy on one or both of the large nodules. If there may be cancer they didn't catch on the scan. All sorts of fun thoughts.

To that end, I have an appointment with an ENT this month as well, for a second opinion. The pain in my throat is so bad sometimes that I can't sleep at night without an ice pack across it. It's, honestly, getting pretty ridiculous. If he even suggests a thyroidectomy I'm going to jump on it. It's not as though I won't be taking thyroid hormones the rest of my life, anyway.

The hard part, really, is getting my brain to stop running itself in circles, to stop re-thinking the same thoughts over and over, the same obsessive whirlwind of worries that I can do nothing about. It's hard not to worry, which is the weird part, for me. I don't usually actively worry over my own medical issues - it's business as usual for me. But this time... I can't stop, and that's the biggest red flag of all, to me, that there's something wrong.

We Spoonies are usually pretty in tune with our bodies. We have to be, really, to be able to get through the day. To know what's chronic pain and what's an injury. So it makes sense, also, that we would be able to know when our bodies are trying to tell us something that we can't feel, I think.

A Question For Vegetarians/Vegans

Firstly, I apologize for any spelling errors, grammatical mistakes or words that simply don't belong. I'm writing this post on my Droid and autocorrect is a bitch as we all know lol.

That being said, I have a question for former meat-eating vegans and vegetarians. Well, I suppose it's a series of questions technically. Can you recommend any good meat-replacement products? I mean like... veggie bacon that tastes at least somewhat close to bacon. Veggie burgers that taste close to beef. Veggie chicken ... you get the idea.

I would like to eliminate more meat and animal products from my diet, and while I can't go fully meatless (my IBS screams at a vegetarian diet and will have me dehydrated in no time from the amount of time spent on the toilet, and also seems to interfere with the amount of iron and calcium I absorb from plant based food as I tend to become both anemic and calcium deficient in spite of eating foods rich in both and taking supplements) I would like to go as close to it as I can. I want to do this not only for my health but for the health of this planet. I'm not fool enough to think that one person ceasing to eat meat or only rarely consuming it will have any impact upon the number of animals killed for meat production, so saving animal lives isn't really on the list of the whys. I do hope that in the long run the joint effort among all of us that are quitting or cutting down will reduce the number of animals raised and thus reduce greenhouse gasses, but that's just a hope.

Anyway. I've tried boca burgers and found them pretty okay but not great so I could use suggestions there. Veggie bacon that doesn't taste like smoke flavored vinyl would be amazing. I've yet to try veggie chicken or vegan cheese (is that even a thing? If so where the hell do I get it?) So suggestions for those are welcome too.

All in all, I'm aware that it won't taste the same as the real deal, but close or at least tasty enough to substitute is good for me. I know meats tend to cause inflammation in the body too and I have enough of that already lol.

Thanks in advance!

My Monster

Tonight is another fight with my monster - depression is again clawing at my heart and my rationality.  It takes everything I have to fight it. Depression takes every bit of common sense, of reason, of logic, of hope and optimism and stamps it out as if none of it had ever existed, and it pulls me down into a deep, dark pit of pain, despair and hopelessness. Sometimes it overwhelms me to the point of total apathy and I'm, for a time, thankfully numb to the pain. I say thankfully because, truly, those moments of apathy are a welcome reprieve from the clawing I feel inside my chest like a true, physical pain.

Sometimes I cry, other times tears escape of their own will through no intent of my own while I lie staring at the ceiling or into the dark of my room, and other times my body is wracked with silent sobs that are so intensely violent my back suffers jolts of sharp, stabbing pain like some great beast is trying to wrench its way out of me through those sobs. Why silent? I don't know. I've never really been able to bring myself to make a sound when I cry during heavily depressive phases. I think, if I'm totally honest, it's partly shame. I'm ashamed of the mental pity party I have that elicit the tears. The thoughts I have both at the time and in hindsight seem so stupid and petty and petulant to me when so many are suffering worse that I don't want anyone to overhear my tears and ask me what's wrong, because then I might have to speak them aloud and I don't want them to hear how stupid my brain is being. So I suffer my depression as I suffer my chronic pain - in silence.

I know this is dangerous to do, should I ever start to lose my fight, but I assure you were it ever to reach that point I would speak out. I promise. And perhaps even now I should. But I really do feel utterly stupid for how my brain thinks when I'm like this. I know my mom would never judge me, but she has enough on her plate.

The truth is, a lot of it is just... genuine loneliness. Aside from my immediate family, I have no friends offline. Everyone I know is all over the place, globally. The nearest in Ontario. I can't drive, so it's not like I can go out and find places to go to meet people and do fun things. And I don't live in a major city so Uber is out of the question, not to mention I can't afford it anyway, really.

My entire future is one gigantic question mark, and most days, I just...can't deal with that. I sit here and wonder, almost every night, about what kind of future I'll have. Will I ever get married to a decent man(unlike my emotionally abusive and manipulative ex husband), and if so when and how the hell am I supposed to meet him in the first place? Will I have kids, and if so, how many? I'm turning 31 in December and the ol' oven has a shelf life before the proverbial D20 roll stars getting riskier. Not to mention if I do have kids, what are the odds that they'll have chronic illnesses that I have? Do I even want to have biological kids in that case, even though it's something I've always wanted? Or a that just being selfish as fuck when I'm putting their health at risk and so many kids are out there needing a good home?

Thoughts like those are just a few of many that race through my mind when the monster's on my back. And I can't make it stop. I don't know how. I just have to grin and bear it until it finally lets go and I can breathe again.

I don't know what to do.

About anything.

And that is the most terrifying and haunting thought of them all.

My Chronic Life

I've touched on a lot of topics on this blog, some personal and others just my views on things. I've given glimpses here and there about how my illnesses affect me, but I've never really gotten in depth about it, shy of the times I've had an emotional breakdown.

Those of you that follow my Twitter know I'm gathering information to do a comprehensive post on Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and as I'm wanting to make it as informative as possible, it's taking quite a while to do so. In the meantime, I wanted to do another Spoonie post, and thus, I decided to confront the one post I've been afraid to write. The one about my own chronic life.

Why have I been afraid to write it? For several reasons, really. Some silly, some not so. Mainly that I have a constant worry that normies will think my descriptions hyperbole. Given how much genuine ableism is on Twitter, this isn't an unfounded worry. Another worry that I put into the 'not silly' category is other disabled individuals will read it that have more severe symptoms and think myself a whiner, or less severe symptoms and think they are the whiners. I don't write this to be a comparison between myself and other Spoonies out there, but rather just to share my story and my experiences.

A 'silly' category worry is that I'll be writing and think myself a whiner. Which I think we all do at one point in time or another. We think of how many people have it worse and feel we have no right to complain about our lot. But the truth is, we do. Just because someone out there has it worse doesn't mean we don't have it bad, ourselves. Should we be grateful that we don't have it worse than we do? Of course. But that doesn't mean we aren't allowed to feel grief, or sadness, or anger for the hand we've been dealt.

I digress.

My diagnosed illnesses are as follows, and in no particular order: Fibromyalgia, ME/CFS, Hypermobile Type Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, Osteoarthritis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Chiari Malformation Type I, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Scoliosis, Chronic Migraine, Chronic Acute Insomnia, Chronic Sinusitis, Tenosynovitis, Synovitis, Chronic Muscle Spasm, Depression, Anxiety (Social and General), Sebhorric Dermatitis, Arrhythmia, Bursitis of the hips

Suspected illnesses/other: Sjogren's Syndrome, Dysautonomia,  history of elevated ANA (hence why I'm on a constant watch for Lupus), undiagnosed issue with knees that causes constant pain and moderate-to-severe swelling, severe loss of lordosis in the neck (my cervical spine is ramrod straight, in layman's terms)

All in all, it's safe to say I have too many acronyms applied to me, lol. I first became chronically ill at the age of 10 after a whiplash injury. Unsurprising as spinal cord trauma often triggers the onset of Fibromyalgia. A following bout of Epstine-Barr Virus when I was 13 only added insult to injury and life rapidly went downhill from there. More than once in my life, I looked like a heroin junkie from the track marks on my arms as doctor after doctor after doctor ran numerous tests trying to find out what was wrong with me. I didn't officially receive my Fibromyalgia diagnosis until I was 18. Eight years after the onset of trademark FMS symptoms. I didn't find out about the Chiari until a few years ago, after neurological symptoms in my hands and arms warranted a cervical MRI. Come to find out after I requested my medical records, the low-lying cerebellar tonsils were noted on a MRI when I was 16. The doctor I was seeing then never told me.

Throughout my life, I'd heard the same phrase over and over again. 'You're too young.' Whether it was to be in so much pain, or to have so many symptoms, or to be given any sort of pain relief. I was too young. I think many doctors thought I was making it up, until at the age of 14 one doctor discovered my 1:640 ANA. I was sent to an internist who, though it had only been a couple of months, ordered a second one. It was 1:1280 by then. Lupus and other autoimmune panels came back negative. No one had a clue what was wrong.

By the time I finally found the doctor I'm now seeing, the doctor I had been seeing before him completely ignored the fact I'd jumped from 95 lbs at 5'7 (a combination of an overactive thyroid and anorexia) to 185 lbs in only a few months. My current doctor (who I adore and have followed from partnership to partnership loyally and would do to the ends of the earth) ran a thyroid panel. An uptake and scan came next, followed by an ultrasound. I had Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. My free T3 and T4 were insanely low, indicating, obviously, hypothyroidism. He got me started on synthroid and not only did I discover my weight shedding and my insane mood swings vanishing, my energy was coming back.

He's also the one that discovered the Chiari, the Sjogren's, and pretty much everything else aside from the HMEDS, which was diagnosed by a rheumatologist that I'm also currently seeing. (I have to admit, it was pretty fun when she was evaluating me for it when I made her cringe by touching my right thumb to the inside of my right forearm! LOL!)

I've tried to work off and on throughout my life. My longest stint of employment was 3 months. Between my chronic migraines and the widespread pain in my body, I call off too often for anyone to keep me employed. If I had a schedule to know when my body would hit a flare and have me bedridden with pain, or when a migraine would knock me on my ass for anywhere from three to ten days in which I'm in bed with a sleep mask on and earplugs in because the faintest light or tiniest sound is excruciating and has me vomiting into the nearest receptacle, that would be a different story I think. But the Spoonie body comes with no such convenient alert system.

On good days, I'm Supergirl. I can zoom around the house, sweeping floors, vacuuming rugs, doing laundry, dusting surfaces, you name it. I'm a one woman cleaning army. But those days are random. Usually instead of good days, I have tolerable days, where I can move around with a moderate level of pain and take care of my own needs, maybe go grocery shopping with my mother, or go to the doctor if I have an appointment that day.

Bad days are spent abed, typically with ice or heat on my knees, neck and head while I watch a show or putz around on Twitter. Those days, I can't even take care of my own needs, aside from making it the few feet to the bathroom and back. Eating is out the window; even if I could manage to fix myself food, I have no appetite to eat, and the nausea from the level of pain I'm in would ensure that it would immediately come right back up. On bad days, I've even had to cancel doctor appointments. I'm literally too sick to go to the doctor. Thankfully, my doctors understand.

I've seen ableists comment that 'well I know people with disabilities that work, you're just lazy.' They fail to understand that not everyone that is disabled has the same disability and the same restrictions. They don't understand that I have to be careful with how hard I cough, or that sneezing is a gamble, or even rolling over has to be done with care. Why? Because every one of those things risks dislocating a rib, or my shoulder blade. It sounds like hyperbole, but it's completely true. I've subluxed (partially dislocated) ribs rolling over before. In bed. I've fully dislocated ribs during coughing fits with bronchitis.

Having hypermobile EDS means that the most normal, every-day activities risks joint dislocation for me. I can be walking and suddenly my ankle will roll of its own accord. The only thing I can do during those moments is pray that my ankle, knee or hip doesn't dislocate on the way down. Hypermobile EDS means that I'm 'double-jointed.' For some, the extent of the hypermobility is limited to certain joints. But my hypermobility is wide-spread; it extends to every joint in my body. Hypermobility is caused by the tendons and ligaments being too loose to properly support the joints to keep them from bending further than they should, or to keep them from dislocating. Which makes hyperextension very easy, and dislocation hilariously simple to achieve on accident.

It also means I'm doomed to the inevitability of arthritis in every hypermobile joint, in the long run. I already have it in my neck, in my shoulders and in my hips, as well as in my knees to a small degree, though they're not certain as to the full extent of what's going on with my knees. They're an enigma to them as much as myself.

Fibromyalgia is another one that's misrepresented by TV ads and what have you. You'll see ads for Lyrica or something and it's like 'take one pill and life is great again!' Yeah, no, that's not how it works. Let me clear something up straight away here; fibromyalgia is different for every patient. Every single one. It's a syndrome, which means it's a conglomeration of symptoms and the range of severity of these symptoms is variable from patient to patient, and not every patient will have every symptom or even the same symptoms. My experience with fibromyalgia is one of widespread aches and pains, and a constant feeling of having a sunburn all over my body. Sometimes that feeling of being sunburned intensifies into being wrapped in electrified barbed wire. Fibro-fog is a term many people have likely heard; it's a common symptom of fibro, where we deal with a period of mental fog. It can make us forgetful and/or disoriented, and we tend to do some pretty silly things during these times.

My most memorable was as follows -  I went to get a bowl of cold cereal. We keep our cold cereals in a cabinet at the end of the kitchen, and our sugar bowl on a near by rolling cart that our microwave is on. I fetched both of these things as well as the milk from the fridge as it was nearby. I took care of making my bowl of cereal, and put the sugar in the fridge,  and was trying to fit the milk into the microwave and was getting extremely frustrated with it not fitting before I realized what I was doing and laughed at myself. I put the cereal away and returned the milk to the fridge. I only found out that the sugar was in the fridge several hours later when my brother asked why the sugar bowl was in the refrigerator.

Times like these, we can only laugh at ourselves. There's really no other choice, if you don't, you'll likely wind up crying at how ridiculously frustrating it is trying to get your brain to cooperate and perform the most simple of tasks.

All in all, daily pain of varying intensity is my life. There isn't a single second of any day, even good ones, in which I am completely pain free. Pain medications (even narcotics, like the Norco that I am now on) don't eliminate the pain, they just take the edge off, but believe me, that is a wonderful improvement. I use various assistance devices to get through the day, especially if I have to be out and about, whether it's braces on various joints, one or both arm-cuff crutches, or, my nemesis, the motor chairs in stores. (I hate those things...and the judgmental looks people give me when I have to use them.)

I understand that living in constant pain is a hard concept for able-bodied people to understand. Pain is fleeting for you. It's temporary. It goes away when an injury heals, or after a few moments when you stub your toe, or when you take Tylenol for your headache. But for most of us, it never, ever goes away completely. Every second of every day, we are in pain somewhere. It never stops. It never goes away. It interferes with our lives in every aspect.

And it leaves us exhausted.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a big one that many of us have, and that truly adds insult to injury. You hear the term Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and you think 'oh, you're just tired.' No. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or, as it's now known, myalgic encephalomyelitis, is more than being tired. It's being constantly exhausted and that exhaustion never goes away no matter how much we sleep or rest. It often comes with aches and pains of its own, as well. I have both insomnia and CFS, and it is absolute hell. It's bad enough sleeping and waking up just as exhausted as when I went to sleep. It's worse feeling more and more exhausted because I can't sleep for as long as 72 hours before I finally manage to crash out.

It's been found that people with chronic illness, especially those with chronic fatigue, are functioning in a perpetual state of exhaustion that would be comparable to a normal person not sleeping for three days and then attempting to function normally. This sounds hyperbolic, but, again, it isn't.

Some of us - myself included - get so exhausted or in so much pain that we can't even shower or bathe daily. And if we express this while talking amongst ourselves because we know that we'll find a sympathetic ear in one who can understand, oft times someone else will horn into the conversation with how 'disgusting' it is.

While I feel happy for those of you that can shower daily, or eat daily, or do anything else normal on a daily basis, we can't. Not always. So instead of calling us out on how "lazy" and "disgusting" we are, try imagining living in a body that is constantly at war with and attacking itself. That is constantly exhausted and in agony. And that we do what we can, often seeing to the most important things first, because we know we have to pick and choose what gets done every day. Sometimes, a poor man's bath (washing up with a cloth in the stank zones) is the best we can do because we just don't have the spoons to do more, having used them on more important ventures. Sometimes, we can't even do that. Your judgment is not necessary nor desired. It's just rude and completely lacking in compassion.

The fact is, I am constantly exhausted, I'm constantly in pain, and my body is literally attacking itself with its own immune system. There isn't thing one I can do about any of it. I wish I could. I wish I had a different body. But I don't. I don't know why I have the body I do, with the problems it has. But I do. I make the best out of it, but sometimes, my best is just getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and coming back to take a nap because walking a grand total of 30 feet was so fucking exhausting that I need one. And you know what? I'm getting okay with that.

I've had doctors judge me, I've had strangers judge me, I've had family judge me. I'm not going to be judgmental of myself in a negative manner. Not when I'm in as much pain as I am already. If the best I can do isn't good enough for anyone else? Screw them.

Spoonie Problems Vol. 1 - Sleep

Sleeping as a Spoonie can be a major problem. I don't need to tell ye Spoonies this, but for the non-Spoonies reading, well, be prepared to be informed, LOL.

There's the times where we're exhausted from depression but cannot sleep due to anxiety gnawing away at us. There's the times where we're battling a flare and are completely worn out, but the pain keeps us awake. So in essence, we desperately need sleep to help reduce the pain, but the pain keeps us awake so we can't sleep to reduce the pain...vicious cycle. When we -do- finally manage to fall asleep, often the sleep is broken by aches and pains waking us throughout the night, or by vivid and unpleasant dreams. Or some combination of the two.

If one has IBS or some other digestive disorder, sleep also becomes problematic because you never know when you'll be making a mad dash for the toilet because of something you ate that was perfectly fine yesterday to eat that your stomach says 'nope, not today!' on.

Then there are those times where you're just awake, for no good reason whatsoever. You're completely physically exhausted in every way possible, even just moving your arm feels like you have a ten pound weight attached to it. But your mind is so wide awake, it's like someone gave the hamster on the wheel in there a boatload of sugar. Your thoughts may or may not be racing, that part can vary, but, you're just. Awake. No matter how hard you try, you can't sleep. You can lie in the dark for hours on end and just be awake, driving yourself crazy because you're so damn bored  and frustrated you want to scream and bash your head into a wall. You may be able, eventually, to snag a couple of hours of sleep. Or this may go on for as many as 72 hours or more before you can finally crash out; for myself, I tend to have cycles when these fits occur. I'll not sleep anywhere from 24-48 hours, sleep for anywhere from 6-12 hours, and repeat the process for as long as two weeks before it finally breaks and I can get regular sleep again.

Many chronic illnesses come with sleep disorders; Fibromyalgia, Elhers-Danlos Syndrome, Lupus, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and Sjogren's Syndrome all do, just off the top of my head. Somehow they futz with our internal clocks, some people more than others, as not every patient is the same, and in my case, sleep aids do next to nothing to help except turn me into a zombie after the 1-2 hours I sleep.

And truthfully, no matter whether we sleep on a normal schedule or a wonky one, we still tend to wake up drained, as though we barely slept at all. We don't get much restorative sleep when we sleep, so our bodies don't get the same amount of healing time during rest as a normal person, leading to that fatigue when we wake up. The only time I don't wake up feeling exhausted is when I manage to sleep a solid 12-14 hours two or three days in a row. Those times are rare, but they happen, and I wake up feeling actually rested for a change by the second or third day.

Currently I'm sitting here, having slept about 9 hours, feeling like I haven't slept in days. I'm barely holding my eyes open, moving is a feat in and of itself, and the day is far from over. I'm in the middle of a Fibro flare that's been going on for probably 3 months now, and while it's had its brief lulls where it's been more tolerable, the fatigue has been ever-present and absolutely overwhelming. I think it's been brought on by having been doing too much for a while, and extended by getting sick off and on throughout the flare. I'm hoping it'll let up soon, so I can start feeling remotely human again. It'd be a nice change of pace.

I hope you're doing well, Spoonies, and that your bodies are being kind to you; and that you are being kind to yourselves. :)

An Ode To the Spoonie Community

So much is strange in this life full of illness,
Nothing works right, too much pain, why must I feel this?
Spoons hell, these days I need ladles,
Every day it seems like I get more diagnostic labels.

I was a kid when all of this began
But I'm strong, I'll fight, it's just who I am.
I won't let it beat me, I won't let it keep me down,
'Yeah, right, who you kidding?' It whispers, when no one's around.

That's the struggle, you see, it's not just the pain,
It's yourself, your mind, it makes you doubt if you're sane!
"Am I really sick? Am I just crazy?"
"Maybe they're right. Maybe I am just lazy."
How many times have you thought the same?
How many times has your brain played the game?
You just thought about it, you just lost, you see,
No, not that game, the other one; your enemy.

You're stronger than you think, you're stronger than you know.
You smile when you wanna cry, you laugh instead of scream, the pain doesn't show!
We all wear that mask, we all fight through this shit,
We all crawl and struggle our way out of the pit.
The one so full of pain and despair,
So real that it burns and it claws and it tears.

We reach out for help, we reach out for a hand,
We reach out praying to God for someone to understand!
But no one does...not our friends, not our family...
We're alone, in the pain, the fatigue, the misery.
Until we discover each other, right as we're about to fall,
A hand grabs our own, and suddenly we hear a voice call,
"It's okay, I'm here, I understand. I know your pain, it's real, not in your head."
And suddenly that thousand pound weight on our ankles lifts along with our dread,
And for the first time, we can smile and laugh, and we can hold up our heads!

We have each other, forever and always you see,
All together, one and all, the Spoonie Community.
We overcome race, gender, and orientation,
Religion, politics, and geographic location.
We span the world, one hand in the other,
Brothers, sisters, fathers and mothers.
We help each other feel less alone, we know we're there,
And most of all, we know there are always people who care.

It doesn't matter now, what trouble may come my way,
Because I'll never face it alone, not any second, of any day.

~ Namaste

A Message to Feminists from An Anti-Feminist Egalitarian

There's something you need to know about me, and many anti-feminists (not all, I know for a fact, but many) especially if you are a feminist reading this.

Just because I am a anti-feminist does not mean I automatically dislike you. In fact, I probably don't unless you give me good reason. If you stand for equality, if you advocate men's issues as well as women's issues, if you recognize that racism has no boundaries, that poverty affects everyone, that disability can strike anyone, that rapists and abusers can be of any gender? We're not enemies. We're allies, we're fighting for the same cause. We simply fight under different banners. You're Gryffindor, I'm Hufflepuff. We're cool.

There's only one thing that WILL make me have a problem with you; haranguing me, badgering me, and otherwise attacking me for NOT being a feminist and trying to make me assume the label. I am an egalitarian. I CHOSE, of my own free will, of my own freedom of choice, of my own equality to make that choice, the label of egalitarian. To badger and attack me for doing so is not only anti-equality, it's misogynistic. You're saying that a woman can't choose any label but feminism for equality, because she obviously isn't intelligent enough to make the choice for herself. That. Is. Misogyny.

I've done the research, I've done the reading, I've spent more hours than many would ever spend even in college courses doing so, and I have made my choice. I am not stupid. I am not ignorant. I am not uneducated. I am not. Your. Enemy. Do you understand that?

Now, perhaps explaining to you why I chose to disassociate from the label will help you understand why I am so passionate in said disassociation.

I do understand that there are many feminists that are for equality, that are truly my allies in this war we fight to help men, to help the impoverished and oppressed, and to bring to light the true facts about rape and abuse as well as cease male genital mutilation as female genital mutilation has long been illegal in this country, and to also shed light on the REAL issues that women face - and I'm not talking the crap teenagers whine about on Tumblr that's just daily living for every individual, not just women, or the myth of the wage gap (that even feminism has disproven by now) but the fact that women need to take control of their own lives and education, and be responsible for what fields they enter; that women need to encourage their daughters to be confident and strong, and also encourage a healthy relationship with their fathers even if the parents are separated. (This goes for the sons too.) That women need to stop behaving like victims yet cry misogyny when they get treated as such; these are the issues we need to control right now, as women.

Yes, we need more women in STEM. But that is also a choice. Gender Studies majoring won't help with that, nor will it necessarily provide you an equal wage to that of a man who took a degree in Architechture. That is where responsibility comes in, too. We are responsible for our lives, for our education, for our futures, and that is a message that needs to be resonated throughout society as a whole. Men aren't responsible for us, we are.

That aside, the rest of the feminists, and sadly, these are becoming the majority despite anecdotal evidence, are creating a toxic core of misandry, misogyny, racism, and from some even transphobia within the movement. They don't want equality, they want female supremacy. They blame men for everything, they infantilize women as a whole, women are helpless, blameless victims always, and are never expected to take responsibility for anything. Anyone who questions them or the holy church of feminism is attacked, bullied, belittled, mocked, shamed, and even stalked and attacked offline. They shame any woman who is thin and fit and dares be feminine or show off her body while turning around and praising the same of any heavy woman (while I applaud body positivity, it must be equal!) and will harass any man who dares to comment on anything they post because they're men so what would they know and what right have they to speak?

I have never, not ever, faced as much misogyny from anyone, in any place, or from any group of people, as I have from these women. I'm talking a level of misogyny that would completely make them lose their fucking MINDS and explode their internet if it came from a man. I've been called a stupid brainwashed whore, I've been called a slut, I've been told I should be beaten and raped, I've been mocked BECAUSE I was raped and told 'See that's why you need feminism!' I'm not making any of this up; and there's more, but really, I don't even want to think about the worst shit... And yeah, it gets worse than that. All of that simply because I disagree with them. And I didn't even do so meanly. I rarely do. I just ask a question, or politely state an opposing view, and they flip their lids. It's ridiculous. And it isn't just me - I've talked to literally over 100 women who have faced this very same thing, by dozens of women, each, if not more, on Facebook, on Twitter, and on Tumblr. One woman had to delete her Tumblr because the harassment was so intense she nearly committed suicide, and you can find stories similar to hers all over. Feminists are bullying and shaming women into mental breakdowns and legitimate suicide attempts all over social media simply because they aren't feminists. How dare they, right?

Then you have the people who, when you pose a point, go on a delusional rant, call YOU closed minded, and then block you before you even get a chance to respond. They don't want a conversation. They want sanctimony, self-satisfaction, and censorship while proclaiming it's for "equality." No, equality is letting BOTH SIDES SPEAK. You can't pick and choose when it comes to equality. Yet I've been blocked by so many feminists I don't even KNOW simply because I'm an anti-fem, or because of people I follow. They don't want to hear another viewpoint besides their own, they aren't interested in anything besides what feminists have to say. They don't want anything but censorship of all outside views. This is called an echo chamber. It isn't healthy, and in fact actually promotes mental instability, mental illness, and stunts emotional and intellectual growth. (Seriously, you can research that.)

These people don't want equality. They don't. This is the movement you are a part of now. This is what it has become. This is why I am an anti-feminist and am an egalitarian and why you will never, ever shove the brand of feminism onto my skin no matter how hard you try.

True equality is promotion of freedom of speech for all, even if you don't like it. It's equal rights and treatment for all, even if you don't like it (*Cough NDAA cough*), it's equal freedom of expression for everyone, even if you don't like it. You don't HAVE to like it, hell, you can even say you don't like it - that's your right. But you DO have to tolerate and accept it, if you truly are for equality.

And that includes letting other people decide not to be feminists without hounding them and trying to convert them.

Thank you for reading, and as always, feel free to comment below.

This Has To Stop

This post isn't going to be pleasant for many people, in fact, it's probably going to cause some butt hurt, but I really don't give a damn. Strap in, people, because this is going to get bumpy.
People have made posts about racism before, in fact, nothing has been more widely discussed. However, typically it's racism against particular groups - namely white people or African Americans (or is black PC now? I don't know; you tell me. I don't normally give a damn about PCness [that almost sounds like penis] but for once, I'm actually curious.) - and while this will touch on that a bit, this is about something else entirely, and will expand from there.


A family friend has a... We'll go with "cultural" name. At her workplace, she has faced sneers and derision, asking where she's from, where she was born, 'that's not an American name!' Etc. This woman was not only born in America, both of her parents are American as well. Her name is of Palestinian/Jordanian origin, which most people just throw under the "Arab" umbrella, but she was born and raised right here in the US of A. Since the shootings in Orlando, hell, since 9/11, the amount of racism and derision she has faced has been disgusting. Yes, she is Muslim, though she doesn't fully practice the religion beyond observing some of its laws such as not eating pork, etc. She doesn't wear a hijab, she to my knowledge doesn't pray five times a day, and there is nothing beyond her name and perhaps to an educated eye her skin tone and appearance that would make one even remotely assume she was of Middle-Eastern descent.


Her response to our shock at what she has faced is little more than "I'm used to it" in attitude. She shouldn't be. Just because someone is Middle-Eastern in heritage or name does not make them a terrorist, it does not mean they weren't born right here in America, it does not mean they aren't American, and it doesn't mean they're a Muslim - but even if they are a Muslim, that also does not mean they're a terrorist, either.


 Muslims outnumber any other people of religion on this planet. In truth, if they wanted everyone dead, we would be. Every religion has its radicals, every religion has its whack jobs. That does not mean that the majority agrees with their views. That does not mean that the minority reflects upon the majority. I will forever stand with the Muslims who follow the peaceful teachings of their religion, just as I stand with the Christians who follow the teachings of love and peace of Christ, though Christians slaughtered Muslims in scores during the Crusades. No religion has its hands clean. Every religion has spilled blood. Every religion has radicals, even today. Stop letting the media turn you against literally a billion plus people for the actions of less than .0001% of them.


Yes, I am aware there are passages of the Quran that preach against infidels and preach war and the like. But the very same can be found in the Old Testament of the Bible. For Christians out there, are you aware that Jesus is considered a prophet in Islam? And that Muslims are, by law of their religion, to obey the teachings of their prophets? Are you also aware that Allah is simply the Arabic word for "God" and Jews, Christians and Muslims all worship the same God? Ignorance is what is fueling the hate and religious war that is going on right now, and the more the western world screams about their hatred of Islam, the easier you're making it on terrorist cells to go "Look at how they hate our religion! Look at how they hate us!" You're actually adding fuel to their fire, to their propaganda, making it easier for them to corrupt and recruit young minds to their cause. But you can't see that because you are so horribly blinded not only by what the media and politicians are throwing out but by your own prejudice.


People, this has to stop! It has to! Hate has to stop. I know that sounds naïve and like a pipe dream, to think that hate can end. But it can. It really can. All you have to do... Is stop doing it. Stop judging people based on the color of their skin, or their hair, or their eyes, or their bone structure. Stop judging people based upon their religion. Stop judging people based upon their political affiliation. Stop getting so worked up by the media and what it tells you to like or dislike, who or what to hate. What is or isn't wrong. You know in your heart, no, in your SOUL, what is or isn't wrong. Love your fellow human, no matter the color of their skin or their religion or their political party. Love them even if you think they're fucking morons! Love them even if they piss you off! Don't get angry back, don't respond to hate with hate. Respond to hate with love, with compassion, with kindness.
Hate is a sickness, it's a disease that's running rampant in our world because it's such a very easy thing to do. It's so very easy to hate people. It's so very easy to look at someone and hate them for who they are or what they're doing or what they're saying. The hardest thing is to love them even though everything they believe, or stand for, goes against everything YOU believe or stand for. But my God if we could do that... If every person could do that.. Could love, could forgive, could just let others lead their lives and be who they are without judgment, without condemnation, without vitriol and hatred, there would be world peace. Legitimate, lasting world peace. There would be no reason for war, because people would refuse to kill those they love.


Eliminating racism is the first step. Don't look at someone's name or skin tone and see they're Middle-Eastern and automatically assume they're a terrorist or not American, even if they don't speak English fluently - some people are born here in America but speak English as a second language because they spoke their mother tongue in their home growing up. Don't look at an African American and assume they're going to mug you or shoot you, or break into your home or what have you, or that they're living off of welfare because they're too lazy to get a job. Don't look at a white person and assume they're privileged, that they have it easy, that they have a good job and a good life and everything just slides over to them on a silver platter. Don't look at an Asian and assume they can't speak English or that they work in a nail salon, or that they automatically speak/read/write whatever language their ancestors did. Don't look at a Hispanic person and assume they do yard work, or work at Home Depot, or that they're an illegal immigrant.


I could go on but you get the idea. Stop assuming based off of heritage, off of race. Look deeper than that. Get to know the person. Know them for who they are, not where they or their parents came from. And if they DID immigrate and are legal citizens? Congratulate them! If they're illegal? See if you can do anything to help. It costs something like $30,000 to become a legal citizen in the United States. Most people who come here are trying to provide a better life for their children, or are fleeing terrorism or oppression, and many of them can only bring what they can carry and have very limited funds. Many of the illegal citizens WANT to be legal. (Don't give me some BS anecdotal evidence; statistics outweigh your anecdotes.) Hell, they have to pay taxes anyway, regardless of the lies you've been told about that. (Seriously, do legit research. They do.)


The Statue of Liberty says "Bring us your tired, your hungry, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." Yet American citizens seem to be screaming "CLOSE THE DAMN DOORS!" And that is so sad, and so completely un-American. We're a melting pot, we have always been a melting pot. We need to help each other, and hold each other up, not beat each other down. So what if the guy/gal beside you isn't a legal American? (Also, stop assuming it's only Hispanics that are illegal citizens; there are a lot of people of other "races", even white people[e.g. Scandinavian, German, etc], that are illegals) That doesn't mean they're any less deserving of your help, or mine.


In fact, if you're so concerned about their legal status, help them achieve it. Put yourself in their shoes for five minutes. Think about what may have drove them to come here illegally, only to find out the overwhelming amount of money they need to become legal citizens. How heartbreaking would that be, to come for a better life, to reach for the American Dream, only to find out it's just as far out of your reach in the country as it was outside of it?


Do you see my point here? We need to help each other; we need to stop worrying so much about what country someone is from, or whether they're "legal" and start worrying so much more about one simple thing. "Caucasian" isn't a race. "Hispanic" isn't a race. "Asian" isn't a race. "Arab" isn't a race. These are simply heritages. We are all one race - HUMAN. We need to focus on that, we need to help each other, we need to love each other, to protect each other, to care for each other, to tear down all of these stupid ass words we use to define each other by that we then use to discriminate whether it's sex, sexual orientation, gender - these are important for one's identity, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, the one main focus needs to be on the pure and simple fact we are all purely human. We need to respect that. Fuck everything else.


We. Are. Human.


Love each other.


Respect each other.


Help each other.


Care for each other.


Have some compassion, some empathy, for the suffering and the struggles of your fellow human regardless of where they live, or what they look like, or what they believe or think.


Listen not with your ears, not with your mind, but with your heart, and with your soul. Let them lead you, and the world will truly be a better place; and isn't that, really, the goal in life? To leave this world in a better place than which we entered it? I've always felt that it was... And unfortunately, in my nearly 30 years... It's only gotten worse. I do what I can for my small part of the world, and to reach out with the Internet to help those that I can when and where and how I can. I only hope that in some way... This causes a ripple in the pond that will become a wave. We must be the change we wish to see... And it starts with one person.

You.

Book Review: June by Miranda Beverly-Wittemore

Try as I might to read and enjoy June, I spent the better part of the entire month of June - how's that for irony? - trying to get through the book and I just couldn't do it. It was too slow paced, the characters were either too cliche or too strange and too cliche, and the story felt, overall, more of the same ol', same ol'. 

Maybe some day I'll be able to get through June, and if I do I'll try to update this review. But until then, the poor dear only gets half a star from me for the book itself - the front cover was beautiful, the back cover was a bit vague in its description, but overall, I enjoyed the cover more than the book.

I received this book from the Blogging for Books program in exchange for this honest and unbiased review.

The Importance of Decompressing

I know lately my blog has been pretty ranty, and rightly so, really, but right now I want to change things up just a bit. This is a post that's so, so very important, not just for people with chronic illness or mental illness, but for everyone. That's right, everyone. Healthy people, disabled people, people with mental illness, without mental illness, whatever. Everyone can benefit from this post, and honestly, if you found it helpful at all by the end, or agree that it's important, I heavily urge you to share it - not for my benefit or popularity or anything narcissistic like that, but to help other people.

Everything in the world right now is so insanely stressful. It really is. Especially for people who watch the news on the television (I don't; more on that in a bit) or constant surf news websites and/or read newspapers. It seems that the news is 0.01% good news and 99.99% bad news. It's all murder, mayhem, and violence. It's utter carnage. Everywhere. I had to stop watching because it would make me so depressed that I could barely function; it made me believe that there was literally nothing good left in the world, and that the world was going to hell in a hand basket. While to an extent it is, there is still so much good out there, there truly is, but that isn't what the media reports because they would rather stir up the fear, the animosity, etc. At any rate, life is so full of stress for everyone, between the state of the world, politics, work (if you do), relationships (if you're in one), family life (if you have one), well, you get the idea. Then you have the commute to and from work for those that work, which in and of itself is full of its own stresses, and for those who work at home (whether it's a work from home job or being a housewife/househusband) the stress is there constantly, no matter what, and believe me, being a housewife is stressful even if you don't have children. Stress will bog you down and drag you down and make you so irritable and tightly wound that it begins to overflow into everything you do and say without you even realizing it!

Then you have the added stressors of tragic events like the Orlando shooting, or political uphevals like the EU Referendum, what have you, that add further emotional and mental stress into our lives even if we aren't directly involved. While I myself lost two friends in the Orlando shooting, many people were affected by it who knew no one involved simply out of empathy, and as for the EU Referendum, those of us in other countries know what sort of repercussions votes like that can have, both politically and economically, and we thus empathize with the citizens of the U.K. And worry for their future regardless of the outcome of the vote.

Then you can tack on personal added stressors of unforeseen events like car accidents, storm damage to one's vehicle or home, flooding damage, personal injuries, a death in the family, a break up with a significant other... You get the idea here as well. Stress. Is. Everywhere!!!!!

So, what do we do when we want to relax? Well, if you're like the majority of the population these days, you pop onto the computer and get on, say, Facebook or Twitter or Tumblr, whatever. Bad. Idea. Very bad idea. The second you get on any of these, you're flooded with more stressors. Political posts, ideological posts, tragedy posts, stress pretty much starts stabbing you in the eyes, but because you tell yourself it's relaxing time, you trick yourself into thinking you're relaxing when in reality, you're just adding on more stress! Think about it, how often do you get into a debate or argument with someone on the Internet; do you really think that's relaxing? How often do you see a post or meme that irritates or angers you? A story that makes you sad or otherwise upset? This is all added stress! All of it!

While it is important to be up to date with the goings on of the world, it's equally as important to take care of yourself; stress levels today are at record highs and in fact the daily stress of the average high school student, never mind adult, would have had them committed to a psych ward in the 1950s. No joke. Is it any real wonder why so many people are suffering from stress-related depression and anxiety and why so many people are on medications to treat it?

But the truth is... People suffering from stress-induced mental problems don't actually need the medications, they just need to learn how to eliminate stress from their life. I know, I can hear you doing that sarcastic scoff laugh right through my ipad. I've done the same many times when I've read 'eliminate stress' to help reduce chronic pain and Fibro flares. But then I started learning how to eliminate unnecessary stress and holy cow did it work wonders not only for my physical well being but for my mental state as well. How did I do it? Well, let me give you a handy list of some tips and ideas for you to get off the ground with.

Unplug - Stay away from social networking and news websites and skip watching the news on TV. Instead, put on some relaxing music and read a book, watch a favorite movie or TV show, or play a video game.

Unwind - Try a good bath or shower, not just for getting clean but to relax for a while. Give yourself a break to just unwind and decompress after your stressful day.

Decompress - Set aside 30 minutes to an hour of quite time just for yourself, by yourself. What you do during this time, whether you read, listen to soothing music, enjoy a nice cup of tea, or whatever, is up to you, but this is your time.

Indulge - Have a healthy sweet treat; I recommend dark chocolate covered berries or nuts! The endorphin boost is great and there are a lot of benefits to dark chocolate, but don't overdo it - your waistline won't thank you! If sweets aren't your thing, go for whatever your favorite comfort food is, but don't binge; just have a small amount to get that nice 'aaahhh' feeling.

Exercise - Cardio especially is great for this, but any form of exercise provides endorphins and helps relieve stress. Some varieties of yoga are great for relaxing, as well, without being too hard on beginners or people with joint or flexibility issues! Also, a nice evening walk (weather permitting) can be quite relaxing after a stressful day, especially if you can make it to a park or a forest walking trail and spend the time in nature.

Dance it out - One person dance parties are fantastic! Put on your favorite tunes and dance around like a goof ball! It may seem and sound silly, and really, it is, but being silly for the sake of being silly is not only fun, the exercise boosts your endorphins, helps eliminate stress, and the combination of the fun and your favorite music helps to change your mindset. If you have friends about that you can dance it out with, the more the merrier!

Social time - Socialize with people you can relax around, but avoid people who stress you out when you need to decompress.

Hopefully these tips will help, because honestly, decompressing is so important, and stress is getting out of control in society. So, give them a shot, and feel free to let me know if they help and how they work for you!

The Hypocrisy of Feminists (Generally Speaking)

The reason I included 'generally' in this title is because I have met and/or spoken to feminists who fall outside of this generalization, and am aware that there are exceptions to the rule. So yes, in a sense, I'm saying "#NotAllFeminists" here. This is out of respect for the feminists that have earned my respect.

That being said, by and large, the majority of feminists have yet to do this. The majority of feminists have become a toxic, cancerous plague upon society and social networks. Their hypocrisy knows no bounds. They claim they want equality, and turn around and complain at NDAA because they 'don't want equality like that.'  Or complain about women that are against feminism. Well, let me tell you something.

Just because there are people - male and female alike - against feminism doesn't mean they are against equality. Feminism is NOT for equality, and I don't care what dictionary definition you regurgitate, actions speak louder than words, and the feminist majority has spread nothing but misandry, racism (prejudice against white people IS STILL RACISM BY DEFINITION), misogyny, hate against CIS and straight people and even transphobia - namely against transwomen. Feminism has even excluded men from identifying as proper feminists - they can only be feminist allies. Then there's the whole "he for she" thing; feminism is all about promoting strong and independent women, yet it turns around and asks men for help? What?

If a person - especially a woman - states they are against feminism, they are bullied, they are harassed, they are threatened and mocked and belittled. They're insulted and told they should be raped, or beaten, or that they shouldn't have uteruses and aren't real women. I have faced so much bullshit because I identify as an egalitarian rather than a feminist, and truthfully, I've faced quite a lot of misogyny as well. Feminism claims to be against misogyny yet the very people who identify as feminists are throwing it around left and right! It's as though they feel women are only entitled to their opinions and rights if they identify as feminists and agree with the feminist ideology and dogma.  That isn't equality. That isn't equal rights. That's why so many refer to feminists as feminazis. That sort of attitude - agree with us or else - is the very same attitude that drove the Nazi party. Biased propaganda, burning books that disagree with your ideals, harassing and bullying and attacking those that disagree with you, that identify as something differently than you, that challenge your beliefs... Does that sound familiar?

Just because I'm a woman against feminism doesn't mean I'm against equality. It doesn't mean I'm against equal rights. It doesn't mean I'm uneducated or stupid. It means I disagree with the social cancer that is feminism. I am pro-equality; I fight for men and women alike. Men need help in so many areas and feminism has completely ignored that in favor of seeking out female privilege; women have had equal rights to men for many years, and while there were certain areas where they were oppressed, that isn't the case anymore. What you're seeking for "equality" is really just privilege, and trying to change the world to protect your thin skinned ass from anything that may make you even slightly uncomfortable. Well, guess what? The world is full of things that will make you uncomfortable regardless of your gender. Get used to it, and deal with it like a damn adult. Help people that really need it. Look into equal rights for men, look at how they're genuinely oppressed and how the system is legitimately biased against them. Fight for them, if you are really for equality. They need your help, and so do many others.

Stop with the hypocrisy, stop attacking women just because they don't identify as feminists; they aren't your enemy. If you can't co-exist with non-feminists, you aren't for equality; everyone should have the right to their own opinion and ideals, their own choice to how they identify, in an equal society. If you oppress people who differ from you, you aren't for equality; period.

Triggering - What It Is, Isn't, and Why It Isn't A Bad Thing

(EDIT: Fixed autocorrect of psychologist to psychiatrist... It was meant to be psychologist. Stupid iPad.)

Good day to you lovely person, whomever and wherever you are! First and foremost, allow me to open by stating that I am a mostly-recovered PTSD sufferer (I still occasionally have flashback-nightmares, but this is normal) and suffer from anxiety, bipolar affective disorder and depression (Yes, it is possible to have depression while also being bipolar.) All of these conditions have been diagnosed by doctors and psychologists, the latter of which aren't looking to just throw pills at me as psychologists cannot prescribe prescription medications.

That being said, it's time to discuss the over abundance of the usage of the word "trigger." Anymore, people are using it to describe any negative emotion, emotional discomfort (or physical discomfort brought on by emotional discomfort), etc. That is not what triggering is. At all. Triggering is, specifically, when a symptom of a diagnosed mental illness is provoked by specific subject matter. Got that down? Good! Now, let's move on to emotional discomfort in general - we'll get back to triggering later - and other negativities and why they aren't bad things.

When you experience negative emotion and emotional discomfort, sure, it's unpleasant and everyone would prefer to avoid it, but realistically, that isn't possible - and it isn't healthy. You need to experience negative emotion to have a healthy emotional balance and to grow emotionally and as an individual. People born with disabilities and mental illnesses that stunt their emotional spectrum often have extreme difficulty fitting into society due to this lack of growth as a person; they can't relate and empathize as well with others. Experiencing negative emotion can also be cathartic - have you ever watched a movie that made you cry your eyes out, and found yourself feeling better later on than you had in days or even weeks? It hits an emotional release valve and allows you to feel and express emotions that you had been keeping closed off.

Now, on to triggers, and why they aren't bad. The primary healing factor in recovering from my PTSD was... Exposing myself to triggers. In fact, that is the primary course of non-medication therapy. Exposure to triggers, be it with anxiety or PTSD, is like drawing venom from a wound. Or, for another analogy, like hitting the same spot over and over until it eventually goes numb. Yes, it's painful, and it sucks, and it's the hardest thing you're going to do. But avoiding triggers is literally the worst thing you can do for your mental health unless otherwise specified by your mental health professional!! There was a time where looking at a stranger much less touching them would have my anxiety so incredibly triggered I wouldn't be able to catch my breath from how hard my heart was racing, and I would be dizzy from not only the loss of oxygen but from the shift in blood pressure. Now? The past two weeks in a row I've gotten my nails done - basically spending about an hour holding hands with someone I've never looked at before much less met, talking with them and joking around, laughing, etc. Trigger exposure has done that for my anxiety. I still have anxiety attacks from time to time, but typically they have to do with my health or with conflict going on around me.

More and more evidence is flooding into the mental health community that trigger exposure is highly beneficial in recovery from PTSD and treatment of anxiety with, of course, consultation with your mental health provider. Avoiding triggers isn't the way to go, it's the opposite of trying to help yourself, it's hiding from the problem, it's in fact letting your mental illness control you, and avoiding true recovery/treatment and help. It's time to stop hiding. It's time to stop telling the world to change because you have a problem when in reality you're telling the world to change because a problem has you. Take control of the problem. You have the strength, you have the ability, and you have the tools to do it. So do it.

"I Want Equality, But Not Like This!"

So as many of you are aware, the US Senate recently passed a bill called the National Defense Authorization Act - or NDAA - that will, if reconciled with a House bill, require women turning 18 on or before January 1st of 2018 to register to be drafted in the event of a draft, just as men have done since the Selective Service act was put into place in 1917. It has caused one hell of an uproar. I see tweets and tumblr posts all over the place of women proclaiming, "I want equality/equal rights, but not like this!"

Well, honey, let me lay this out really simply for you.



If you don't want to be treated exactly like men, you don't want equality, you want privilege.

This bill has brought the true guise of feminism to the forefront once and for all. Women are screaming about how their daughters shouldn't be forced to do this, while their sons and fathers have been buying their rights to vote with a blank check to the government payable up to and including their life should said government decide to cash it since 1917. You can't pick and choose what you get when it comes to equality. You can't. If it isn't cool for your daughters, it isn't cool for your sons, either. If you want to throw a fit, then don't throw a fit over the NDAA bill, throw a fit over the Selective Service act as a whole, otherwise all you're saying is, "We want privilege, not equality. You can have all of the drawbacks, treat me like a pampered princess because I have a uterus."

This should not be something you are angry over. In fact, this is something that, if feminism was truly FOR equality, should be regarded as a monumental and historic victory. FINALLY, for the first time since 1917, women are regarded as equals to men in the respect of the draft. No longer are our men alone in having to sign off on saying "ship me off to war, Uncle Sam!" So they're allowed to vote. No, finally, there is equality. This is a victory for equality. But there is no celebration. There's outrage.

For once, I can say thank you to our Senate for revealing the overwhelming hypocrisy that is feminism. You don't want to be equal. You don't want to be treated equally to men. You want to be treated like women, with all of the privilege of men, yet all of the kid gloves that society has always demanded women be treated with. Doors opened for you, chairs pulled out, no need to be shipped out for war in a draft, let the menfolk go and die for you while you sit safe and sound getting your hair done and your manicures bitching about man spreading and the mythical wage gap. Rarely do I say this in sincerity to any individual, rarely am I so incensed that I truly mean these words out of disgust and outrage... But now, I do. Fuck. You. You are a bunch of lying hypocrites who want nothing more than preferential treatment.

This is why I am a woman against feminism. This is why I am an egalitarian. This is why I will forever fight for TRUE EQUALITY. True equality isn't about getting preferential treatment because I have tits and a uterus, true equality isn't sitting around bitching and whining and making shit up to complain about via biased statistics that I don't even fucking bother to fact check because God forbid I become disillusioned with the dogma I've been brainwashed with. True equality is just that - everyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, EVERYFUCKINGONE, being treated the same. And I do. I treat everyone the same. I don't care if someone is being shitty to me, I don't care if it's a man or woman, a child or an adult, a disabled individual or an able-bodied individual. I treat everyone the same way; with kindness, with a smile, with good cheer and friendliness and compassion. Because goddammit, THAT'S WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS.

I'm so fucking tired of two-faced assholes in this world saying they want one thing but when they get it they cry because it's not what they wanted after all because they didn't realize that there's ACTUALLY drawbacks to it! So much for all of that male privilege right?

You should go check out Arlington Cemetery sometime. Or Gettysburg. Antietam. There are so many places, historical sites, where men have shed blood on our own soil for the very rights you have to whine and bitch and moan about all of that male privilege they supposedly have. MEN died for that. Yes, there were female casualties too, typically nurses and civilians, but the overwhelming, breathtaking majority of people who have fought, bled, cried, sweat, and died for your rights, your privileges, your freedoms in this country have been men. They've been Navy, Air Force, National Guard, Marines (Semper Fi!), Army, and even the Coast Guard in some cases. And in some cases even their children have suffered for their service from radiation exposure in Japan during World War II and Agent Orange (amongst other colors) exposure in Vietnam and on the ships and planes that carried the chemicals. That shit altered their DNA and subsequently that of their children, leading to health and mental disorders; not to mention the PTSD of the combat veterans that went untreated for so long due to lack of knowledge of the disorder to properly treat it.

We all have so many men - and yes, I'm aware there were women too, and I'm not taking away from their contributions nor denying their service, however that isn't my point here - to thank for what we have. For everything we have. Yet all you ungrateful humans do with your freedoms is spit on men, an entire gender, simply because they're men. Simply because you perceive things that you feel are unequal and rather than working either better yourself or stand up for yourself to stop it from happening to you - or for fuck's sake just getting over yourself - you decide to tear apart an entire gender who has a menagerie of injustices of its own to deal with and overcome that you're completely, WILLFULLY, blind to.

I'm so sick of it, I really am. It's time to grow up, wake up, and start actually acting like a human rather than defining yourself and everyone else by what's between their legs; and most importantly, it's time to stop expecting the world to change just for you because something makes you uncomfortable. Everyone has things that makes them uncomfortable. Guess what? PEOPLE GET OVER IT. It's a part of life.

Step outside of your comfort zone of feminist propaganda and dogma and start researching and reading from unbiased sources. Start talking to people who AREN'T feminists, hear what they have to say with an open mind, be willing to listen and to learn, hear them out. You may just be surprised at what they have to say. Moreover, you may just be surprised at how much you didn't know.

Why I Am An Anti-Feminist (Please Read Before You Judge)

(Edited to fix typos; thank you to those who pointed them out. My phone likes to make me look like an idiot and I had no access to my computer when writing this post.) 

So, as many of you know, or at least suspect, I'm a woman. I'm 29. And while many of you have read my blogs and have seen my views, I have yet to properly "come out." This was, admittedly, partly out of fear and anxiety of being attacked as I have been many times before on various social media outlets for my views and opinions, and for stating this very thing that I am about to state. But, honestly, I'm done hiding because of my fear, and out of my mouth... well... fingers... come the four most dangerous words a person, especially a woman, can utter on the internet.

I am an anti-feminist. (Is that four words? Or five? I forget the grammar rules when it comes to hyphens. I digress.)

There are many people, women especially, who have attacked me for this statement. They have said I deserve to be beaten by my non-existent boyfriend. They say I deserve to be raped, though I am a rape survivor. They say without feminism I would not have the rights I have today (which is untrue, and if anyone properly studied the history of womens' rights without bias and without delving into works written solely by feminist authors, they would know this. I will expand upon this later.)


They claim that I only say this because I want men to like me. They treat me as though I am some great traitor to my sex, and they act as though I don't want equality simply because I not only reject the feminist label but am against the movement as a whole. None of this could be further from the truth.

First and foremost, I am an egalitarian. I believe in equality for all, regardless of the color of their skin, their socioeconomic class, their religion, their sex, their gender identity, their sexual orientation, their age, the degree of their physical health, and all other things by which one could, conceivably, measure what rights one may or may not under the law be entitled to. There are many who would claim feminism is for this very same thing. Perhaps those who claim this are. But feminism is not.

Feminism has done nothing, as a whole, especially within its culture on social networks, but push for female superiority over men. Women are already equal to men and have been for some time. Women have equal rights to men in the US, and in many ways, have more rights than men. How, you may ask? Allow me to give you some examples.

• Men are, at birth, subjected more often than not to genital mutilation; female genital mutilation is illegal in the United States.
• At the age of 18, men must buy their right to vote by signing up to be drafted at any given point should a draft arise. Women must do no such thing. 
• Men receive harsher punishment for crimes, even if the circumstances and crimes are exactly the same. Women have been found completely guilty of horrid crimes (such as statutory rape) and been allowed to walk free. No man would be allowed the same thing.
• By the FBI's definition, which was changed largely in part thanks to feminism, men can no longer be raped by women, as the definition of rape is now solely 'to be penetrated without consent.' The only way a woman could in fact rape a man, by law, is to sodomize him with a foreign object. Otherwise, she is guilty only of sexual assault, a far lesser crime in the eyes of the law.
• In many cases, men will lose custody battles for their children, even if they would be able to provide a better and more stable home for their children than the mother. Fathers get next to no rights. Furthermore, there is a wealth of help available for women who are having difficulties supporting themselves and their child/children, including free or low income housing. If a man cannot support his child, he goes to jail.
• Studies have been shown that women can be equally if not more physically and emotionally abusive in relationships than men, including relationships with reciprocal violence, and yet should the police be called, only the man would go to jail (unless the man has visible marks.) There are thousands of shelters for women who are victims of domestic violence, but only one - just one - in the entire country for men. 
• If a man does come forward about being abused or raped by a woman - oh, sorry, "sexually assaulted" by a woman - he faces being shamed, mocked, belittled, and flat out not believed by those he comes forward to and by his peers, far more so than even women. He is seen as weak, as a coward, and being as he is a man, how could he not want sex, right? Men are the victims of domestic violence equally as often as women, however they simply do not come forward for these very reasons. Women these days get believed more often than not. Men just get more abuse.
• Men can't really show their emotions - again with the shame, mockery, and belittlement. Sure, they can be angry, happy, et cetera. But heaven forbid they cry or be vulnerable in any way. Women don't really have this problem. 

These are just a few examples, flat off the top of my head. There are more that I've talked to many men about. Feminists often see men as the problem, see men - especially CIS white men - as having all the power, but really, they're victims of societal oppression and pressure as much as anyone. However when someone points this out, especially a woman, they get attacked, insulted, and harassed. In some cases their online accounts get hacked and shut down, and their personal information released such as their real name, phone number, and address, so they can be stalked and harassed offline. Instead of allowing opposing arguments, instead of allowing differing opinions, the general M.O. of feminism is censorship. No one is allowed to disagree with feminism without extreme repercussions, especially celebrities. They're bullied and harassed until they either apologize and withdraw their statements or do a sudden 180 and come out as feminists. 

The truth is, I'm not saying there aren't feminists that are genuinely pro-equality, that genuinely care about men's issues too. But ladies, you're a dying breed amongst the toxic, cancerous majority. I say ladies because amongst the majority of feminists, men cannot be feminists, they can only be allies of feminism. Do you see the problem with this? A movement that claims to be pro-equality that excludes an entire gender cannot be truly for equality.

This is usually the point in a conversation in which a feminist would whip out the dictionary definition of feminism, as if to say, "This is what the dictionary says(which, if you're using an actual dictionary it says it's a women's rights movement, not an equality movement, btw) and thus, you have to accept this as what the movement is about and completely ignore the actions of the movement that contradict it!" Well, funny thing about dictionary definitions. They don't mean shit when it comes to things like this if what the thing it's defining is doing something completely different. Communism, for instance, sounds nice in the dictionary. In practice? Not so much. Then you have the people who say you can't be racist against white people, just prejudice. Allow me to give you the definition of racism: "prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism directed against someone of a different race based upon the belief that one's own race is superior." whereas a second definition more simplistically defines it as "racial prejudice or discrimination." Either way, it is very much possible to be racist toward white people, just as one can be racist toward any other color of skin. 

Feminism is growing more and more anti-male and anti-white, as though being white and being male are something to be ashamed of, something to be apologized for, and something one can control. Racism and sexism, and even misogyny are growing prevalent within the movement. Women who aren't feminists are bullied and attacked. They are treated as though they shouldn't have the right to their opinions. They are treated as though they shouldn't exist, or shouldn't be allowed to have a uterus. They are slandered and insulted, abused verbally and emotionally simply for being female and rejecting the label. That is misogyny through and through. 

The fact of the matter is, western feminism is wrapped up in so many first world problems it isn't even funny. Women in other countries, especially the Middle East and Africa, are dealing with problems like defending their families from terrorism, their daughters and themselves from gang rape. In some of these countries, fathers sell their young daughters after they've had their first periods to the man they get the best dowry from regardless of how he will treat her or how old he is so she can father his children, and in many cases after her first period, or, often, during, she's subjected to female genital mutilation, where her labia is cut off and her vagina is sewn shut to the size of a match stick and she is only able to painfully urinate one drop at a time through a mutilated urethra, often suffering multiple bladder and kidney infections throughout her lifetime because of this. Sex is extremely painful and childbirth more so. After birthing her child, her vagina is re-sewn to its match stick size to keep it tight for her husband. I use the term sewn loosely; in many areas, they puncture the skin with thorns and use plant material or homespun, thick thread to pull the skin tight. It isn't a surgical procedure in which we would know it here in our comfortable, safe world where we are protected from so many things we are so, so amazingly fortunate to not have to deal with and that we are safe from.

Yet here, women are bitching about "manspreading" while taking up 2-3 seats with themselves and their belongings. They're bitching about having to stand in line at public restrooms while men don't have to (could this be because men just use the bathroom and don't fix their makeup, hair, etc. while in there?) There are so many completely trivial issues that honestly do not matter that are being complained about that are 100% first world problems, and very few feminists care about global issues and care only about "issues" that bother only them. The "issues" I see women complaining about have nothing to do about rights and have everything to do with entitlement and infantilising women. 

To expand upon an earlier topic that I promised I would expand upon, the rights we women have have little to do with the suffragettes. First and foremost, these women were not feminists and would be outright appalled by modern feminism. These women were not one cohesive group working toward a common goal, but were multiple small groups or even individuals all working toward their own goals. Upper class women of their time already had more rights than many middle and lower class men; they could own property, they could get higher education, they could become physicians, teachers, etc. The reason they wanted more rights was because of the expansion of rights not only to those classes but to black people as well. They wanted to ensure they would have more rights than black men and women. Racism and classism heavily fueled their motives, and this has been well documented, and it's also hilariously easy to find quotes from these women of a strongly racist nature.

All of this plays into not only feminism today as what the movement conveniently leaves out or claims otherwise but its current trends echoing, in reverse, those of the suffragettes in the past. Instead of racism towards POC there is now racism toward white people. Now it has expanded even toward white people with disabilities, claiming that white people with disabilities are more powerful and have more rights and privileges than POC with disabilities, and how they figured that one is completely beyond me.

All of this has culminated in making me completely anti-feminist. I hadn't always been, but as I witnessed the growing toxicity, misandry, misogyny, and hypocrisy within the movement I disassociated. I refuse to associate myself with a movement that defines itself as being for equality yet seems intent on excluding others and taking away rights from them to give themselves more. Equality means all are equal. This seems to be "We want everyone to be equal, we just want to be a little more equal than everyone else."

I am and will always be an egalitarian, and I will always seek to help those whose voices aren't heard, whose rights are being infringed upon, and who both need and, most importantly want my help. The world doesn't revolve around me, nor my uterus. It doesn't revolve around anyone's genitals, however we cannot ignore that people are being oppressed because of the genitals they were born with. Taking from one and giving to another won't fix anything. Giving the same to everyone will. And most importantly, seeking to help those in countries where women are possessions, like cattle, and whose genitals are mutilated - and ceasing legal male mutilation here - is a step in the right direction.